So I was on the Twitter wasting time before I waste more time (because I’m on a semi-staycation motherfuckers!) and I saw a tweet that said something about “things I know for giving her the big O”. I clicked the link, just like you did just now.

And 7367 ads and 42 next buttons later I came (arrived, not climaxed) at the end of some painful reading. Today, I will set the record straight.

Faking it

The article (if you can call it that) states that like everyone does it so its totes ok and not anything you are doing wrong. I paraphrased so no quotes were needed. 

And I’m sure that people fake it. They have to or else it wouldn’t be a big thing. But maybe they’re not doing it to please you or cover up the fact that they have trouble summiting the peak, maybe it is you. 

I’d be horrified if someone faked sexual satisfaction with me, how the hell am I supposed to figure out if my new little trick is working if they’re faking it?

Sliding scale

It’s true, female orgasms are sometimes little whispers and other times tremor inducing ecstasy, on that point the bait and I agree. 

But if you can’t feel an orgasm, did you really have one?

Better with age 

I feel like Kinsey should have been consulted on this point. Do older women really feel more comfortable with their bodies or do they just know how to make it (it being an orgasm) happen because they’ve practiced more? 

Please don’t go Cougar hunting as the article suggests, these ladies want orgasms, not some newly minted, internet-porn-emulating sexpert humping her to sleep. 

Why do women orgasm?

This point is a stretch but I can work with it. 

We do because we can.

There have been plenty of studies done, orgasms don’t knock us any quicker (as far as causality at least, you leave her spent and satisfied everytime and she’ll probably bang you every chance she gets, and more sex usually means more babies, but that’s super poor correlation, not science).

Also, they clear the mind and make sleep easier… or so I’ve heard.

Getting there 

Yup. Women’s bodies are like human Bop Its, tons of buttons to press, pull, flick, twist, and give the occasional bop. And just like with a Bop It, the wrong combination means you lose and you have to pass it on. 

Don’t ignore the man in the boat

Ugh, grow up. It’s called a clitoris, clit for short. And it’s one of the buttons mentioned above. 

If you don’t know where it is (and I know that you poor souls exist) ask, otherwise you’re doomed to be discussed negatively at the next happy hour.

Everybody relax

Stress does make it hard to climax and it is uncomfortable to have someone trying so hard that you’re just done, and have gone elsewhere in your head space. 

But just because I’m hard to please doesn’t mean you don’t have to try at all. You had better try. 

And as the article states: communication is key.

And I tend to agree, though the statement itself is totally cliché.