Beating the Heat

I haven’t had pants on in a few years but today when I past the sign at the bank and it read 102 degrees (Fahrenheit, because you know, otherwise people would be boiling) I understood why I had the urge to take my shirt off as well but propriety and shit, so I suffered on.

This heat wave is not unique to my little city, and while I’ve been summoning the cops for dogs in cars for months its the first time this summer that temps have have surpassed the 90 somethings. If you are suffering and can’t quite quit your pussy-bitch whining on the Facebook you can find some suggestions below that may help you get through this terrible time.

Close the blinds

I think in a previous post I used my skills as a scientist to explain to you how light makes things hotter, this applies to your house too. Sun comes into the window and makes it toasty as hell, so close your blinds.

Plus when the dude on the cherry picker is passing you fourth floor window while you are standing under the ceiling fan drying the bits, you can’t make eye contact, because the blinds are closed.

Take off all your clothes

Ceiling fans work best when you are naked, so does the AC in your car, just saying.


Go to the grocery store

Open the ice cream freezer and just stand there as the ice crystals build up on the door. Then grab a gallon or two and hub them real tight until you’re cool enough to take your naked ass back to your car.

Wear rayon or polyester 

This only applies if you have to wear clothes. Cotton absorbs the sweat, you don’t want people to know that you are hot. Don’t wear cotton so you don’t look sweaty. Just because your hair is curling because of the river of sweat running from the top of your head to the backs of your knees by any path possible doesn’t mean you have to appear that distressed.

Polyester doesn’t wrinkle so you don’t even have to wash it after every wear.

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