I Can’t Eat That: A Guide to Dieting

To all who have suffered* through the last month with me: I am sorry. For those of you who didn’t, know that cutting out sugar, dairy, grains, starches, and legumes makes everyone around you miserable. 

I am not alone when it comes to dieting. Millions of you are out there lamenting all the foods you can’t eat, pretending to have allergies**, and bitching about how grumbly your tummy is at the money I write this. A good chunk of those millions of whiners will fail to lose any weight, so the diet will start again, next Monday. Be a winner at losing weight, follow my expert tips below.

Take before and after photos

Over the last month I have lost nearly 15 lbs (humble-brag, yo!) and only 90% of that weight loss was off of my left breast. I know this to be true and factual because I have a starting photo and a progress photos. 

I’d share them but I have rules against posting tit pics in places where my bosom can be matched to either my name or my face. Sorry guys!

The point isn’t about my amazing shrinking boob, it’s about seeing your success, dimpled, sagging, and slightly smaller, in all of its glory (again this is about you not the now half gallon jug residing on my left chest). 

You need to see your success to believe it. 

Read all of the literature 

Knowledge is power, cliché, but true. Your work friend Betty sounds like an expert on this here new juice cleanse you’re all gung-ho about, but is she really?

Go to goop and do your own research, Betty is good but she isn’t Gwyneth. 

Let Gwyneth and her team of super on-point trendsetters lay out the science for you. And if Dr. Oz endorses it, even better! (Your doctor may discourage these types of weight loss plans, but they make more money treating your fat ass than they would if you did something about it.)

Plan ahead

The best way to achieve your goal is to make a plan and stick to it. Monday you get to eat rice and broth, Tuesday a handful of wheat berries and a sprinkle of dust, etc. 

Having a plan prevents panic. And since panic is one of your binge triggers you need to avoid panic. 

Reward yourself

When you’ve made it through the day on plan you deserve a pat on the back or a Snickers bar or a sleeve of Oreos. You worked hard. You need to recognize your own efforts.

Cut yourself a break

Some days you won’t make it. Your plan will fall apart or you’ll get stuck in traffic with only a six pack of Coke to quench your thirst. 

You need to let yourself be ok with these moments. You are human, which is to say inherently flawed. 

Give yourself a break and begin again…on Monday.

*Did you really need Krispy Kreme and 74 oz of Slurpee to go with the pastries, pizza, and ice cream though?

**Do not do this!!!  Those of us with severe food allergies don’t want a jaded waiter/cook to kill us because you lied to them, repeatedly. 

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