Getting Fit: A Guide to Exercising with Technology 

Wearable fitness trackers are old news at this point. And while I still faithfully clip my FitBit into the left cup of my bra every morning it no longer has any affect on my behaviors. I am no more or less fit because of my little electronic pedometer, and you are delusional if you think resting your hands on your shopping cart while steering it ruined your “workout”.

But those of us who need motivation have it, on the one devise that nearly everyone has on them nearly all time, including in the shower and for some people I know, during sex. If your struggling to figure it out, I’m talking about your smartphone. Below you will find a few suggestions for apps that you can use to make your phone work to improve your health.


Porn Hub seems like an unlikely fitness app super star, but the video advert promises results. I have yet to test it myself because I don’t have the appropriate waist belt thing but as I mentioned before some people are already incorporating their smartphones into sex, why not jump on that band wagon.

Just remember that sex as exercise doesn’t prevent the spread of Zika or pregnancy so glove up motherfuckers.


Remember that one really random roommate that lived in your apartment during college. You may have referred to her as the whale before but you need to look at her now.

Don’t judge, you’ve put on weight too but you need to keep from looking like that. Every morning when you go to grab a doughnut and a super-skinny, extra-syrupy cinnamon dulce latte look at her before and after (read bigger) pictures, then think about what it would look like if you watched her eat your breakfast.

With all the puking induced by that image, you’ll be thin in no time.

Pokemon Go

I’ve nearly run over a few of my peers roaming the city in search of all their Jigglypuffs. They may look crazy taking photos with nothing, and they may drive everyone crazy with their traffic snafus but they are out there and moving.

One of my Facebook friends was kind enough to post her FitBit progress report with her Pokemon Go status update, it’s really working! Though, I’m not sure she is…


This is the app that you have to pay when you don’t reach your goal, so unless you’re rich you best get up off your ass.

Zombies, Run!

If you need motivation to move quicker being chased by zombies will probably help you achieve your goal. Or you could move into my neighborhood where people shoot “coyotes” at all hours of the day and night.


Note: I am not an app reviewer, so I’d apologize for not slapping specs, prices, and links for you but you come to me to help you get your life together, this is me giving you the power to do some research on your own.


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