Lately things have been off. Maybe you have noticed my posts are lacking their typical bite. In the moment I am inspired, but I cannot bring my ire to completion, its like getting right the edge and being disappointed.

It took me a while to figure out what the problem is, and I’m sure I am not suffering alone. And I hope that the others facing a similar situation will see my soul laid bare and feel comforted.

First we must name the sickness: Happiness.

Happiness is a motherfucker and it’s killing me. I’m sleeping, and cleaning my house occasionally. I’m not even mad when my hair flattens from the sweat brought on by the thousand degree heat. And I need it to stop. If you are in a similar boat, I have some ideas on how to end the contentedness you have been suffering.

Stub your pinky toe

Just smash that fucker into a door frame. Its good to break it, it’s best to break the bones behind it. If you don’t have tape or lace up shoes to fix it, you’ll be set.

If you want to really take care of business, do it the day before a beach vacation or an interview in which you intend to wear heels or pointed toe shoes.

Send a sext to the wrong person

It’s cute if you accidentally send an innuendo laden message to your boss accidentally. You can laugh it off, make it a bit more innocent by blushing at the implications. You don’t want cute, you don’t want mild embarrassment, you need something to wring the happiness from your soul.

Get nuded up and take a nasty pic of your bits, and blast that thing to someone you don’t want to see it, hell, go for gold, send it to someone who doesn’t want to see it even more than you don’t want them to see it, a client, a friend’s spouse, that guy your dad’s age that you said you would text just so he would get off your back, your mom, you know, that kind of thing.

Once it’s done, cry with shame. Vomit once or twice, then face the music. You’ll be back to normal soon enough.

Blow a huge opportunity

If you’re hunting for a job, send a resume with fuck hidden in your education.

If you’re interviewing for a job, take an extra allergy pill and chat the folks up in a delirious state.

If you are attending your friends wedding, light something on fire. Personally, I’d go for the bride’s veil but this is your life, get creative.

If you are having a baby, set up a craigslist ad to sell the sucker (this works best if the child was planned and you want to raise it as part of your family).

If you are meeting a significant other’s family, show them the sex tape you guys made that one night while wasted, explain that you can do better than the video shows, then play back videos of encounters with former lovers to prove your prowess.

Wreck your car

Find a time of day when the road appears to lead directly into the sun and drive, most likely you will hit the shiny silver car in front of you. If that doesn’t work, I know where there is a rock (read: half ton boulder) that shifts during the rain, see if you can’t side swipe that sucker and ruin your lovely car.

Get an indoor cat

They poop in boxes, need I say any more?

Call your cable company

Maybe you’ll get a human who can answer your simple question, that’d suck. But if you are lucky, and this is a game I’d bet one, you will spend three hours a day for the next two and a half weeks trying to figure out why your bill has a re-connection fee on it every month despite your timely payment.

 

 

Please, if my suggestions don’t work for you, don’t give up. Unhappiness is attainable, we will work toward it together.

If you have any tips or tricks on how to get through these episodes, feel free to leave a comment. Your input is appreciated.