Look, I know that you are far too classy to straight up pay for sex, even if it is only $8. I know that you are one smooth mother-lover and can get it on you own. Your Black Card and standing reservation at Morton’s Steakhouse are good at picking up where your personality falls short.

Or you do it yourself.

I know there are days when your off your game, your charm is low or you and the credit card folks froze your line after the dispute this last set of high-end chain dining has set in motion (going out with a fraud doesn’t constitute fraud in Visa’s eyes, but you should try to get your money back anyway), and if these days coincide with an arm day (everyday?) at the gym, I can see how you’d be out of sorts…

There is no shame in needing a sexual release, but you need to be smart about getting off on your off days. You want the best bang for your buck and you (probably) want to avoid jail time. Let me help you find ways to do just that.

Get a message

There is no shortage of establishments that offer a head to toe massage that leave no tensions unrelieved. You can get the dirty washcloth hand trick, or a full on prostate message (sorry ladies, you’ll probably not be offered this treatment) for little or nothing extra. Just be sure to tip you masseur nicely, you know that if you don’t you’ll be put on some message board somewhere to be laughed at by any and all knowledgeable massage therapists.

You’ve gotten off in this scenario, Hooray!!

But can you get away with this legally?

In my home state of Virginia the topic of happy endings have come up in casual conversation with law enforcement. According to one Commonwealth Attorney hand jobs and foot jobs are not considered sex acts and therefore can be paid for. Now, I discussed with this a criminal defense attorney (if you need him, email me I’ll get you some contact info) and he seemed skeptical.

Basically, before you let some nice lady jerk you off for cash, ask her if she’s a cop. The police always have to disclose that they are in-fact police when asked.

Go for a drive

You probably live near enough to a place with a south side that you can drive there and see what’s up. If you are out of the loop just look for cheap, independent motels with folks loitering in the parking lot. I’m sure some sales person will kindly approach your and offer you goods and services if you look like you’re looking for them.

You can get more than a handjob in the scenario. I mean, a hell of a lot more, if I understand how this kind of commerce works. But you’re going to pay a bit more than you would at the massage parlor and probably going to get less time (because they’re not obligated to work out the kink in your shoulder for one). Pros and cons but the legailty is what really gets in the way.

In the US paying for sex, outside of Nevada, is illegal. There are some cities that have sectors where police turn a blind eye to the prostitution but frequent by the hour hotels because of the high violent crime rates.

I have once or twice driven through the parking lots of these establishments looking for a missing and endangered adult, which means I’ve seen who stays in these places. If you see me driving around, give me a wave, brighten up my day.

 

Get handy

Not masturbation, we already said that you lifted too hard to do that. I’m talking about going to Lowe’s (or your local independent hardware store) and getting the supplies for a mechanical replacement to a human. Depending on your needs you may need power tools (which can help you find a lady to put your penis in, if they never find out why you purchased said tools) or springs or lots of wood and industrial lubricants. Whatever your poison in bangable-mechanicals the shop people will both be able to help you find what you need and give you some advice on making the most of what you take away.

There is nothing illegal about making your own sex toys. I decided this after watching Burn After Reading.

Take a vacation

If time and money aren’t really the problem, head out to a brothel in Nevada to keep yourself on safe side of the law.

You can also find someplace more exotic and take advantage of local laws.

I do want to caution you that if you go this route there are still risks to your health and reputation. Legal prostitution has dramatically decreased the spread of some STIs but be smart, use protection and cash.

I’m not up on gratuity practices when it comes to this sort of thing, but I imagine you want to tip well, especially if you are a difficult customer or a regular.

 

****If you feel like you need to do something to offset your hand in the whole sexual exploitation/trafficking nonsense that you have contributed to by following my advice, please feel free to find a group that helps women (people) caught up in sex work, like Grey Haven or Sex Workers Outreach Project, and give them the money.