Once upon a time, I was using my Red Card to get that little 5% discount on condoms (mother if you are reading this, they were for a friend, I also told this friend that they are a sinner and should repent!) and cheap wine. I carried my next month’s birth control in the little pharmacy bag in my purse and had spent a few moments wondering if my footwear was appropriately functional and feminine because I was meeting a man for a super spur of the moment date.

While checking out I was stared down by a teenage girl buying school supplies with her mother. Flushed red with embarrassment, which itself is embarrassing, and stared at my unpainted toes until they left.

To the chick at Target: a few of my ideas on appropriate grown-up-lady behavior can be found below.

Dressing professionally 

Just because reputable sources cite a study that says flashing tit on an application makes you five times more likely to land an interview doesn’t mean that your intellectual prowess can’t help you. “You is smart.” (Abilene told you so a baby, remember?) And the study was done in France where photos and applications go together, if you’re in the US you’re out of luck.

And while being pretty and perky has its benefits, its more likely you’re one of those bitches men are always telling to smile. A smile will do for you want an additional six inches of height would do for them, so if you are going to interview, try it when you introduce yourself, then let your boobs (er, confidence and experience) do the talking.

The trick to doing this well is getting a shirt that fits so you don’t look like an amateur. If buttons are impossible to close because you are #blessed then go with a top that doesn’t suffer such stress (no buttons) when presenting the girls.

If you are rocking a more modest style you can still play the game. Look in the mirror before you leave the house.

Handling a meeting

As a women you should play the part of Teddy Roosevelt, speak softly and carry a big stick… Nothing is scarier than a lady in a pink blouse and pumps whipping out her dick and slapping someone in the face with it.

Be aware that if you pull this move too often you will be label a bitch and people will anticipate your move. Start by doing the fish thing, opening and closing your mouth like your gasping for air, until someone notices and invites you to share your opinion.

When they argue, and they will argue, keep quiet a minute and explain that you were just thinking

Paying the bill

A grown woman with her ducks in a row whips out the one credit card she uses for everything and pays off in full at the end of the month, swipes, signs and is on her way. But you read my life coaching blog…You know what? You’ll get there one day if you try really hard.

In the mean time, stash enough loose change in the bottom of your purse to cover a rogue toll booth or your daily cup of coffee (yeah, I buy coffee out nearly everyday, what of it?). Pennies are still money, and it only takes 275 of them to get a caffeine injection and leave a meager tip.

On days when the change is all used up and you’re are racing toward the red in your checking account make sure you keep loose condoms next to your debit card, pull them out together and when your card is eventually declined the cashier can only judge you for being fiscally irresponsible.

Dating

I was warned recently about dating people I meet online and dating people who don’t match my shade of pale. This seems like nonsense but I keep the TV on at my office job so I know that this nonsense comes from a place of honest fear.

Fuck fear (especially if that’s your game) go out with whoever floats your boat.

But do like my grandmother said, go out  with anyone and everyone who floats your boat. There isn’t anything worse than being stuck on the couch with some silly fucker who thinks your Netflix account is a date for the rest of forever.

Go out.

Give people your number, have your friends give people your number. Say yes to dates.  Note the Maggiano’s gives you two entrees for the price of one, so dinner there?

The more dates you go on, the more reasons you have to wear that dress your ex hated because it made everyone stare.

Booty calls

Accept the calls you want and reject the ones you don’t.

If you are sane and go to bed at 9:42 every night then the only reason you should be bothered at 2:00 AM is for the dick you want. All the other, shut down it and go back to sleep.

Don’t feign ill, or suggest another time. A response to a “U up?” text should be clear even to someone who is as high as a kite. If they don’t take the hint go ahead and send them a dick pic to drive the point home. If you don’t have one to spare, I may, just ask.
**Title credit goes to a man who I went out with, he “doesn’t like strip clubs but really likes boobs and sex and stuff.”