If you have, or want to have, or want to use someone else’s vagina you know they can be very expensive. And while most of us are scraping our pennies to buy the basic $11 box of generic tampons* and running to Victoria Secret with coupons in had for ill fitting, sexy, free panties, there are some women out there with cash spilling from their hoo-has. This post is for those bitches with enough money that they can keep their box in luxury.

If you don’t have time to waste on mani-pedis and boozy lunches because you make your own dough (tell me your secret!) you should be thinking of other ways to treat yourself, and if you are so incline treat your bits. While most women I know control their flow with various forms of effective birth control there is still room to create a luxurious experience around what is oft discussed as the most heinous part of femininity, menstruation.

Please find a list of ways throw your money at something that you both need and want, a bleed in luxury. And please note, these are not paid endorsements, and I haven’t been lucky enough to try any of these products either, because I am poor.

Lola

Ok, so they aren’t that pricey in the scheme of things, but organic cotton for your twat, shipped directly to your door, you just can’t beat that. And they advertise with the founders’ horrifying menarche stories, it’s positively adorable.

I’m all about trying them for a few personal reasons that I know that a few of my readers are not really excited to hear about.

I am allergic to latex (found in maxi pads and pantie liners because of the adhesive), many fragrances used in feminine hygiene products (because if you weren’t already uncomfortable you should smell powder-fresh and wild flowers every time you move), and nickle (irrelevant but a series works best with more than two things). If you have ever had a vaginal allergic reaction you now understand where I am coming from (…). If you haven’t, it’s indescribably bad, get bees and have them sting your bits, a lot** that’d be about right.

In theory, 100% cotton will not insight such fury in my nethers, but my neighbors would potentially steal them off my door step, so maybe I’ll hold off on this subscription. But if organic is your thing, go for it.

Foria

If you read articles about Foria, they often call it a tampon, the site is clear, this is a cramp relieving suppository. And now, cramp suffers are wondering, what wonder drug is this that I shove up my coot and feel better in 20 minutes (says the internet)?

Cannabis.

No joke. There is science and an FDA disclaimer and you can get them in CA and CO and the rest of us are shit out of luck until we decide to bleed on vacation in one of those places. These suckers are about $11 a pop and you buy them in sets of four. It’s not for ladies with medicine cabinets filled with generic ibuprofen or those who use uncooked rice in a sock as a heating pad, $11 a go pain relief is not frugal enough for those bitches.

There is no reports of being high with these, so you won’t be rubbing all over everything like a cat in heat, unless that’s what you were doing before insertion. Speaking of insertion: if you can’t get this thing in without using a used applicator, we need to talk about learning to touch yourself.

Thinx

I want these. They look like something I would buy in a store, only I would do it in a 5 for $15. This is the closets thing to free bleeding without free bleeding that I can find. And I am a proponent of the free bleeding.

I want panties that look good and catch my flow. If you love me enough get these for me for my birthday, one of each. And maybe a kind of matching bra, periods need to feel pretty too! I want to free bleed with dignity, while drinking a $4 coffee because I didn’t buy myself $30 panties, because you did that.

 

If you are so focused on your cycle that you’re suddenly worried about being pregnant, you probably aren’t. Your mind is a terrible prankster, just go pee on a stick.They make them digital and bluetooth enabled so you spend too much on this little freak out too.

Your vag it worth is.

 

* Don’t do this unless you have to, cheapskate! Generic applicators are prone to pinching and that is about as unpleasant as mundane vaginal unpleasantness goes.

** DO NOT DO THAT.