Today, I had a shock.

One month shy of my twenty-ninth birthday I discovered my first white hair.

I suppose its not a surprise, my mother’s head was more white than not at my age, my siblings both older and younger have patches and streaks on their heads. Alas, a mane of white is not my fate, the gods of aging have blessed me with snow flecked nethers.

This just days after discovering creases in my forehead.

As I work to come to terms with the mismatching of my carpet and drapes, I shall do my best to help keep you as young as you think you are. A list of remedies against time can be found below.

Semen

I often think of semen as life giving, both literally and because the act of obtaining it from it’s creators and keepers is super awesome. But what if I told you spunk can smooth the years away?

It can! So next time you have a roll in the hay gather any spilled seed and smear it over your face and decolletage. Feel the glow of youth radiating from baby smooth face. Since handfuls of sperm aren’t terribly expensive you can take up smoking again with the money you save, mouth wrinkles are no more with your new miracle face cream.

Placenta

While abundant, placenta isn’t as easily obtained as jizz. It takes a lot longer to create and can literally be filled with pus and poo. But it’s worth it.

You can use it as a mask for a youthful glow, or spread it thorugh your hair for some epic shine. You can cook it and eat it (you’re welcome for that link) for overall vitality (and for the ladies, rumor is that a placental meal will tighten your vag back to its original glory).

Donate Blood

Leaking a liter will make you look awful, but if a fancy doctor then spins the shit out of it and uses the purified plasma to inject life into your gaunt, shadowy face that resulted from your reduced blood volume you’ll be good as new. PRP might be used by medical doctors to help speed the recovery time of tendon and ligament injuries, but you need this to feel young again.

Nightingale Facials

I first read about using the poop of a nightingales as a beauty treatment it was in a book about geisha. I don’t remember the context but it doesn’t matter because science says that nightingale waste is full of exfoliating enzymes that will render your skin glowing without the abrasions of scrubs or sodas.

Pee

Drink it or sprinkle it on your creased brow. You don’t want to waste your waste, not when you can get your glow on.

 

Good luck, my beautiful readers glow forth from your filth.