When the Velcro Comes Undone: A Quick Reference for the Former Owner of a Stolen Wallet

I recently took a promotion at my professional bank job so maybe it’s time I put my industry expertise to work for you people. For those of you who have never had your wallet stolen or dropped it in a parking lot of an outlet mall, take your practical, yet fashion forward, wallet chains and move along, this post isn’t for you.

For the rest of you can find guide to preventing, and dealing with, the loss of all of your important documents at one time below.


  • Carry a large wallet, this is especially helpful for men who carry their wallet in their back pocket. If your wallet is too big to fit in your pocket comfortably you will be constantly fiddling with it, your physical awareness at an all time high. When you sit you will have to remove the wallet or risk years of chiropractic. If you aren’t keen on a big wallet…
  • Over-stuff your wallet, see above for the reasons why. If you are going somewhere that wallet would be a hindrance, say a grocery store or bowling ally…
  • Lock it in the car. Nothing has ever been stolen out of a locked vehicle, so lay your valuables on the seat, crack the windows an inch or three to prevent overheating when you return and lock the doors. Maybe leave your keys too, for safe keeping and what not.


  • Yell and scream, there is no shame in the vocalization of frustration and angst. If you need to…
  • Cry. It you release all of your emotions as you feel them you will better cope with the situation at hand. If you are one for turning on the waterworks…
  • Approach strangers and explain to them your life story and how it has all culminated at this moment and how this moment with your wallet gone, you are not even a real person any more. Whatever you do don’t…
  • Stay calm. Calm is overrated, what are you a robot? The emotional stress will heighten your ability to handle this fresh hell you have been dealt. Embrace the manic freak out.


  • Ask for help, literally anyone on the street is better at being an adult than you are so ask them what you should do, maybe some kind stranger will pull your ID, which she found on the ground just 10 feet from where your stand, out of her pants. Don’t go look where the ID was found, instead…
  • Pull up your banking app. They may have taken your wallet but they sure as shit didn’t get your smart phone, track your wallet by watching your money slowly drain from your account while your race around town ten minutes behind the person using your fancy plastic cards.
  • Don’t call the police, they can’t get to you in time (unless someone a few blocks over already called them because she thought she heard speeding) to stop a crime in progress, you are as smart and capable as them, you should do it yourself but, to be safe…
  • Don’t freeze your cards. The second the banks shut down the thief’s ability to charge your card is the exact moment you loose any hope of catching the perp. You know that you’re close when they stop using the cards. Maybe you’ll find them discarded in the bushes or maybe some lady walking her dog will.


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