Alcoholism is a serious problem, 64% of people treated for substance abuse in the US are treated for alcohol abuse. Alcohol contributes to upward of 30% of traffic fatalities and nearly 1 million deaths annually.

It is also the accepted and expected coping mechanism of teachers, firefighters, police, and professionals everywhere. If you fall into the categories of working adult human, unemployed adult human, bored older youth types, or a member of gang of bad 8 year-olds you know that booze is good times, stress relief and what not. So how do you, regular-Joe, make alcoholism work to suit your needs? Well, good friends, glass number two of wine in hand, I shall teach you the ways of the socially aware booze hound.

Go Social

There is nothing bad about drinks with friends, happy hour may have been invented for bending the bosses ear, but it needn’t stay that way. Friends, coworkers, friendly coworkers, they all make super great excuses to get toasted on a Tuesday. And Tuesday is the second best day of the week to drink, behind all other other days.

Try Competitive

There is a bar near my office that makes beer a competitive sport, they serve a hell of a burger and the sauce they give you with the fries is probably straight up crack, but beer is the way of this place. You even get a fancy shirt with your name on it once you’ve had 100 different beers. A fancy shirt, with your name on it!

But the shirt is just the icing, you and your friends can race to the finish. You can win, I believe in you.

Think Classy

You are a classy bitch/bastard. I know you want this to look good, not like a problem (because it it?). You should embrace the wine bar or get up to snuff on you scotches. Pull in the social aspect that I mentioned above and befriend a sommelier, or take a class from one. Maybe invest in the correct glasses for your beverage of choice, but do not settle on a first name basis type relationship with the clerk at the liquor store.

Consider the Cost

After your third (or fourth, or fifth) drink, taste (as in flavor) goes out the window, don’t go all Jesus at the wedding and serve your best wine last. Good wine is first followed by the heartburn-inducing $4 bottle you picked up at 7-11.

You could spend $500 a week on at home booze, and I’m sure you’d enjoy every second of it, but I suggest you don’t if your house isn’t owned outright and you credit score is less than 800. You can’t un-impregnate that 35 year-old as you round the corner to 60 but when you ask the bank for yet another extension on your loan, you don’t want them to know you spent the last months payment on getting blotto.

 

Note: Don’t drink and drive. It’s bad enough you get your life advice from a blog, don’t fuck it up and read the blog from jail.