Tonight, I am sitting on the floor of my hoarder house of horrors, in a sea of tennis balls and shoes, neglecting the disarray despite a conversation that opened up the possibility of getting laid tonight. (Mom, “getting laid” is the new slang term for impromptu bible study.) I’m doing this not because I refuse to clear the refuse, but because, my mostly foreign readers, my fellow Americans need a reminder to vote in tomorrow’s national election.
If the last 18 months of vitriol have soured you to social media, cable news, talking to your neighbors, and caused you to file for divorce. Don’t sigh in relief that tomorrow it will be over, steel yourself for the shit show that is about to begin. I mean for what it’s worth I live in a city that is going to elect a convict (but, you guys, he married her after she turned 18 and he got out of prison so it’s not rape…*) who was accused of mishandling the case a of woman who wouldn’t bang him (or somethng) during their initial consult.
It’s not too late though we can still pull ourselves out of this mess. As per my usual format, a few ideas on what you can do now to survive the election fall out, local and national.
Google other country’s immigration laws
They don’t want you I already checked.
And it’s not like you have a passport or can speak another language fluently enough to live in work in another country. Not to mention the criminal record that keeps you from entering Canada isn’t going to help you with any other countries.
But good luck. The stats Google will put out will be kind of fun.
Throw things at people
Since voter intimidation is now back in style you can’ do it. Instead find some rocks and just chuck them at anyone and everyone. This is regular assault type nonsense, you go to jail for it but probably won’t end up making national news.
Jail doesn’t sound so bad this time of year, as the weather turns and your electric bill spikes. And it’s not like you have to pay taxes when you are in jail so it’s not like the adjustments to tax code will affect you any.
Take someone else’s sticker so you don’t have to deal with actually voting
I get it, you’re busy and it’s not like there are any other ways to vote and you have to drive your husband to work. I also get that you don’t want people hassling you, so just rip a sticker off some old hag at the grocery store press it proudly to your chest and go about your day. That sticker is your ticket to griping about the results until, or even after, the next election.
Or if you took abstinence only sex ed in school, follow the same rules for the election. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Even if you want to, don’t do it. And if you are weak, don’t do it but tell everyone you did.
Rob a bank
I don’t know what the economy will do as a result of this election. Be prepared, your very gay Boy Scout leader said it 100 billion times and now is the time to listen. Set yourself up to ride whatever happens in the comfort you are accustom too. Hell, hit the right bank and maybe the Google searches I mentioned before will actually be useful.
Not because people have fought and died for your right to do it, and they have. Not because you want to write your name on a ballot, which you can do, but is a waste of your time and energy. Not even because if you don’t vote you’ve nullified your own opinion.
Vote because you can.
Vote because you should.
Vote because the 300 people who unfriended you on Facebook because of all of your unsubstantiated political claims and click-bait posts need to know that you were right this whole time.
*Read with bitter sarcasm