Now that we have enjoyed the greatest of all American holidays, the kick off to the epic gluttony of the Christmas Season. As all the rest of the world adopts this tradition of sparkly materialism maybe it’s time to share our American wisdom on this time of year, where we come together without consideration of color or creed, to beat everyone and their mother for the best deals on a limited number of televisions at a store that sells foreign grown produce, princess dresses, and bar soap.
And this year, with our pre-holiday carbo-load fraught with tension after the recent election, grandparents insisting on wearing their bed sheets to dinner while your little cousin sat squirming with her heavily accented boyfriend complimenting the extra dry stuffing, I’m sure my American brethren are in need of a reminder on how to find joy again.
Pace yourself folks, the next five weeks will be a joy if you do it right, or a fright if you don’t.
People are going to buy you things, you are going to buy you things, ’tis the season and all, so you need to make lists of things you want. Expensive kitchen equipment, a new car, a lifetime supply of male enhancement pills, all of your bills paid, maybe a helicopter, and always a pony.
Copy the list and hand it to everyone you know, anyone you think may considering buying you a gift, make a list of the people you hand the physical list so you can be sure to follow up via email blasts or Amazon access. Post your lists to social media, tag your friends, relatives, and colleagues, they will be happy to have your lists and repay you in kind with gifts from your list, or lists of their own which will give you ideas for expanding your list.
Lists are also super helpful for those folks throwing pre-engagement season shotgun weddings. Seriously, if you can’t get all the people you aren’t inviting to your little big day to buy you pieces of the five sets of china you registered for, then you aren’t doing lists right.
Store credit cards
Since you are buying so many things for yourself, and some other things for others you will need means. And you and I both know that the means you come armed with are not enough. Stretch them with the little bits of discounts that every store at the mall offer with every card they offer. It may be a small ding on your credit report, but by golly it’s a good deal, 15% off just this once, is so super swell.
I’m sure you’ll be invited to many parties with tiny finger foods and twinkly lights so you need to shine. Get a new dress (or whatever) for every dinner, every party, and every holiday happy hour. And every new dress needs new shoes. And a new shirt deserves a new tie. Your lipstick needs to be on point and your brows done (everyone should have their brows done, not just the ladies). Get gussied up.
Have a bite or two of those fancy finger foods, and a sliver of cake, and taste of pie And the cookies, you must try the cookies they are someone’s grandmother’s recipe and they are to die for. Just be sure to bring a friend with a pen of insulin, it’s like puking and rallying but for your blood sugar.
Drink for joy. Drink because you’re only a week in and there are no less than four more to go. Drink because you drank too much yesterday and need to recover. Drink because you didn’t drink enough yesterday and need to forget. Drink to make friends, to keep friends to keep from calling out former friends. Drink to prevent a crying over being out done by someone else’s list. Drink because some other bitch has out glitzed you.
Drink more when you get home, because between the lists and gifts your living space belongs on Hoarders. And the filth is easier to deal with when blurry.