The Stumblebum’s Guide to Injury

I’m no prize fighter, that shouldn’t surprise you at this point, but if we met on the street today you may not know this based on the general smattering of injuries I’m currently carrying around. Between the half severed thumb, the palm-sized thigh bruise, the spot on my neck (it could be a hickey or it could be where I was struck by a limb while walking the dog, which ever is less embarrassing at my age), the volcano of a spider bite on my booby, and the burns on wrists I look like I’ve been through some shit.

And while I probably just need new glasses and a bigger kitchen, maybe you’ve had moments where you’ve looked walked round looking like you flew through a windshield at a high rate of speed without such story to support your battered body. Maybe this is your normal Tuesday. I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help. A handful of ideas to get your through the days where you look like you’ve take a walloping can be found below.

Spin a story

You need to make it good, I feel out of a tree and took a chip out of my shin once (true story) but it would be better if I told you I was scrambling across a downed tree to avoid a bear who was trying to steal my wineberry pie one day while playing in the river (not an entirely true story). If you take pieces of a the true story (river, tree, pie) and mix in things that people understand to be scary (bears) you can get away with being careless (falling out of a tree). If you remove the element of danger, you’re just clumsy, and you’re a grown ass adult, adults aren’t clumsy.

They do fight for the honor of the ladies they love… just a thought.

Fain shock

At some point a kindly human will “awww” at you and ask you about the gash in your leg, act stricken. “How did this happen? How did I not know?” If you can muster a tear or hyperventilate for a moment you’ll sell the shit out of the idea that the you were slashed unbeknownst to you. Your distress will distract the onlooker from the fact that your wound is properly cleaned and cared for, and that it has obvious signs of healing.

If your acting chops are weak, an “Oh no!” will do just fine, then lick your finger and rub at it halfheartedly. You won’t win an Oscar but neither did Leonardo DiCaprio before this year.

Beg others not to tell

You’re worried about the judgement of others, I get it, my hair dresser shook her head at me while holding sharp scissors near my ear. But when you beg others not to mention the fading finger print bruises on your arms the blame for your injuries shift immediately to someone else. And while it may have been your significant other’s intention to save you from face-planting on flagstone when they grabbed you hard enough to leave a mark, the person your pleading with to not mention the blue-green smears doesn’t know this, nor do they need to.

If you take this route make sure to make your SO an excellent dinner and maybe let them pick the show on Netflix for the wrath that your actions will bring upon them.

Accept help

There is a chance that if you look bad enough in the right way you can attract the attention of someone who will offer you an involuntary 72 hour trip to your local loony bin. Try to accept the help. You can use the rest. Just be careful not to drag your stay into something more substantial, once your cuts heal and bruises fade you want to save up your time off from work for beach trips and sick days that you spend wrapped in a blanket with coffee and a books.


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