O Holy…Shit: A Guide to Forgetting Stuff at Christmas

This is the eve of Christmas and the shelves at the grocery store are as bare and Target is a mad house filled people who have driven halfway across the country to stay with family they don’t even really like that much. 

You did better this year, with lists and schedules and tick marks to boot, but you’ve forgotten something or someone. You’ve schlepped to the mall yet again and hit three different specialty grocers looking for that special cheese Uncle Burt likes. 

You’re done! Rest. Relax it’s late, have a drink and prepare for tomorrow. 

Who are you kidding? You have an internet life coach, you aren’t so on it that you remembered everyone and everything. It’s ok though, I can still help you save the day, whatever it is you have forgotten I have you covered.

Gifts

  • Book- you have shelves of these things laying around, grab one that you aren’t super attached to, dust the cover and slap a bow on it. Books are gifts that smart people give each other, everyone appreciates a book because they think you think they are smart, even if they never read it. 
  • Massager– it would have been nice to have gotten Aunt Bea a gift certificate for a real massage from a human, but you didn’t. Pull out an old personal massager, give its non-porous silicone body a rinse, toss in a set of fresh batteries and wrap it nicely. When she opens it her eyes will trickle at your thoughtfulness, what with the ergonomic grip and 33 speeds.
  • A card– it’s the thought that counts, right? Write a thoughtful note and tell this person what you would have gotten them if you had infinite time and money. 

Food

  • Milk– show everyone who thinks your forgetfulness ruined every recipe made on Christmas this video. You’re welcome. 
  • Booze- this is enough to get disowned in some families, but if it happens just whisper “sorry” while running in the direction of the bathroom.
  • Dessert– you are officially a fucking monster, but that aside, someone who is actively trying to lose weight before their spring cruise can’t handle making and bringing dessert. Any Conversation you have has to revolve around your new diet. You better be convincing!

Names 

  • Dude, man, bruh- they all work in place of someone’s given name. I find older women are especially fond of these titles. 
  • Love– maybe you shouldn’t have brought someone you met in a bar last night to Grandma’s for dinner, but you’ve comitted. Calling someone who knows you biblically “love” sounds more affectionate than “dude”, unless you’re escort is a woman over 45, then see the point above.

I’m sure I’ve left something off the list, but you’ll be fine.

Good luck!

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