My local paper ran an article today about a bill that is advancing in the state legislature. This bill, if passed would designate January 22nd as the “Day of Tears”. January 22nd is the date in which the Roe v. Wade decision passed down from the Supreme Court. The “Day of Tears” would be a widespread mourning of all of the legal and safe abortions that have happened since 1973. Maybe you’ve never seen Kate Winslet’s performance at the end of Revolutionary Road but if you have you understand why the various types of DIY abortions of the last few millennia went out of style.

This bill is just silly, but it speaks to a larger trend in the United States. With the ban of abortions after a detected heartbeat that John Kasich vetoed, only to sign a ban of abortions after 20 weeks into law and the serious restrictions that leave people in Mississippi, the poorest state in the country, hopeless.

You may argue that with abortions are being preformed less frequently than they were 30 years ago, so the new laws are of no consequence. Unless you’ve answered the phone to talk to a mother  with an eight week old who is pregnant again and can’t do it, unless you’ve watched a woman choose her own death over terminating a pregnancy that will kill her, unless you’ve stared at a newly homeless 17 year-old and told her that you’re sorry there is nothing you can do to help her make sure her pregnancy is healthy then you really just don’t know.

As a woman, and maybe I’m unique, I’ve always been the one in charge of making sure I’m not accidentally knocked up. It seems that not every man comes armed with prophylactics at the ready, and while the pill is super once you’ve got strep, or a UTI, or something that requires antibiotic use you’re fucked. So you double up, but you’ve got an ear infection and a partner who is not within the “one size fits most” category when it comes to condoms so off it slides or (if you’re a lucky girl) it splits and you’re donezo, 18+ years of hell with this dude you met on Tinder and just can’t shake.

All jokes aside, there are things you can do if you find yourself unintentionally in the family way.

Abstinence 

It worked so well for your great-grandparents in the 1930s…Your grandmother was conceived on their honeymoon, and she was then born six months early, it’s truly a miracle!

(Whoops, I think I mentioned this solution a little too late. Oh, well. Better luck next time.)

Gonorrhea

Most women don’t get too many symptoms, if you are this lucky bitch, don’t get tested so you don’t have to treat it. Gonorrhea is a great fertility killer, embrace the free birth control and live your life. Just be sure to tell everyone who sticks it in you that you’re clean, so you can share the wealth with everyone else.

(Again, probably should have tried this first…)

Pros and cons list 

Look, you’re already pregnant, the pros and cons are for choosing who the father is. Hopefully, you’re smart enough to have a type so that you hoard of lovers all look similar enough that no matter which piece of man meat you accidentally genetically combined with your offspring will resemble any and all of the. On paper, so you can come back to it a later date, compare each potential baby-daddy’s financial stability and future earning potential, emotional stability, family background, and back hair. Rank them.

I’ll warn you against choosing the best lay, older women have long said that the better the sex the worse the compatibility, and as I age I see it. That being said, don’t get stuck with a two-pump chump.

Safe havens

Many states have safe haven laws, and with the adjustment to legally seeking medical help when in a sticky situation, those laws will have to expand so that every politician has a baby drop box (yeah, these are a real thing, I can’t even make a joke about them) installed in their offices.

These kindly men will raise your accidental baby to be just like them when they grow up. And maybe that’s not how you would have done it, but this child will be warm and fed and wear the finest wool suits while lambasting your choices to fornicate. With a touch of luck they’ll carry one the drop box tradition with their various mixed-race progeny as to not bring shame upon them from their beloved adoptive fathers.

Litter box and leash 

Old people and idiots are allowed to have cats, and babies are mostly like cats, right? I mean they drink milk and sleep most of the day and like to lay about.

You can take care of a cat. You can clean it’s litter box and lay out food and water. You care enough to give it the occasional pat and cuddle it when you’re cold. You can do that with a baby too.

As it gets a older you may have to let it out to potty, but that’s why leashes were invented, to prevent pets from running into the street or the neighbors’ yard and  running amok.

Have another (and another)

This plan is about timing. You’re having a baby so you may as well reap as many benefits as possible. Now this plan is not one I’ve tested but the way everyone talks it works.

So you have a baby, and you quit work on live in your luxury apartment with your baby for a year or so, drinking and smoking, having a grand time. And right before your benefits expire, you have another “accident” to grant you another two or so years of luxury. Then repeat, it’s a lot like the directions on a shampoo bottle, but with more and $15 bottles of wine and steak for six uninterrupted years.