My grandparents are conservative, like shop at Wal-Mart and not consume any products of China conservative (and yet they don’t understand the irony of that behavior), and my father flies the battle flag of dead country. They probably voted, and while our states’s electoral votes went more progressive, they’re ecstatic to get the present, black POTUS out of the White House.

Despite the politics of whence I came, being single, successful, and childless by choice at my age is something that none of my family has achieved. I’d like any future offspring of mine to be given the same freedom (though hopefully with Sallie Mae a little less involved). As I do my part to continue this way of life, Jim Bakker is pushing something more than Jesus now that the “miracle” of a Trump presidency is upon us.

Whatever your thoughts on building coffee tables out of buckets of food with a 20 year shelf life sold by a convicted felon, you do need to do something to steel yourself against whatever will happen next. As always, I have a few ideas on how to survives as the world regresses 50+ years into some type of apocalyptic shit storm of pussy grabbing.

African Sleeping Sickness

If you’re lucky you’ll get the sleepiness kind and not the insomnia kind. Without health insurance you’re little parasitic infection won’t go anywhere i a timely fashion. Invalids in the Victorian error are sort of glamorized in the movies, maybe you’ll be lucky and your waking moments will resemble scenes of the The Secret Garden.

Stolen Pension

I had a client tell me that the new administration will be raising Social Security payouts, because “old people have expenses too”. And while I had to stifle laughter at the absurdity of the notion, the kook was 87. And given my access to her personal information and the fact that old people tend to die, I should have paid more attention. I could be that woman one day, collecting her Social Security check every month. I’d have enough to put in savings if I did that. Once I’m solvent, I’ll sell you some old people info to you and yours.

Tinfoil Hat Club

Vermin Supreme hasn’t even been elected to office, yet. The man has a few good points (the ponies really speak to me) and if you work to get him into office you’ll have accomplished something with your life, and probably from a remote location where the real world can’t reach you, not that anything can penetrate your hat being metal and all.

Carry a Permission Slip Signed by Barack Obama

Steve Harvey did for his meeting with Trump, it seems to make everything alright. I’m just wondering how you get one… Like can I write a letter?

President Obama, if you’re reading this, I just want get out of jail free card for the duration. Thank you in advance.

 

If you have further ideas, post them below.

God speed.