Size Matters: Negotiating a Bigger Package

There may come a time when you arrive at the office and there is a big fat “For Lease” sign on the front door, if you’re lucky this is just the beginning of the end and you’ll have some time to figure out what comes next for you. 

Chances are, if you’ve been blindsided by your office closing you’re not sticking around, which is great news! The whole idea of being made redundant should bring you joy as well as trepidation, because being laid off creates more work for you in the present for securing your future.

If the standard severance package is two weeks for every year you’ve been with the company, you’ve got a solid place to start, but there is more that you can do. 

Everyone knows bigger is better. Below you can find a few tricks that would give that package a more desirable heft.

Nothing

I’m not saying that you are fine the way you are, that would mean that you’d be worth keeping around. You need to ensure that you are getting a paid to get the hell out. 

Sit on your thumb.

Take a nap.

Do crossword puzzles.

Whatever you do, don’t do your job, it’s not like they’re going to fire you at this point. If they do, threaten litigation, it’s not severance per se but a settlement for wrongful termination will probably be more satisfying long term.

Be redundant 

If you’re going to be made redundant it had better be because you are redundant. Repeat yourself. Repeat your work. Repeat others and, if you can, repeat their work as well. 

Earn your redundancy.

You may be asking yourself how the hell this annoying habit is going to get you más dinero, that’s a valid question. 

If they come to you and say, “Friend, you’ve been here for 3 years, you’ve done good work, have 6 weeks!” And you reply, “6 weeks” in a lower tone, and maybe a farrowed brow, they’re gonna sweat a bit. And give you another number which you should again repeat, over and over and over, until you too are sweaty, and rich.

Use age

Remember when people used to start working at 18 and retire at 65? Not anymore motherfuckers!

By today’s standards you are an optimial employee if you are over the age of 40 and not yet 60. If you are outside of those little guidelines you have grounds an EEOC complaint, let them know that you find their agism despicable and you won’t go for anything less than twice (or thrice if you’re feeling ballsy) their original offer.

Bonus points if you are a woman, minority, of a minority faith, have a physical disability, and/or pregnant. 

Sweeten the pot

And by sweeten I mean honey, as in honey pot. Which is to say, bang upper management. A little sexual indiscretion on their part could mean a whole heck of a lot of cash on your part. 

Be wary of denials and accusations of harassment, make sure the encounter is well documented and you are ready to take the evidence public. This is blackmail and it is illegal, but only because it is an effective way to shame rich white men, and they make the laws.

If you go gay for the pay, you may be looking at a sizeable reward… 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s