Clawing Your Way to the Top: An Oberservational Guide to Making it to the C Suite

I spend about 50 hours a week with my face is mashed against a glass ceiling, it’s frustrating because glass is fairly flexible so it feels like I’m getting somewhere sometimes. 

Don’t be like me.

You need to put yourself on a path to success, get yourself a title that is an abbreviation because you’re too important to say whole words. And I want to help you, I have a good bit of observational experience on this one, so you can trust me.

Start your own business 

JK!*That’s a lot of work and it’s straight out of the nuevoriche handbook. Don’t do that.

If you build a business from the ground up people will respect you, for the wrong reasons. You don’t want to be known as someone who bled for their business, you want to impress people with how little effort you put in to create massive waves in the lives of the people who work for you.

Open wide

Head is the currency of the c-suite, the best knob gobbler gets the biggest prize, be it $3 million to sit on your thumb or a chance it sit on a panel in front of government people who you want to influence in favor of your work (side note: smoking pole is the also currency of government influencers).

You may feel self conscious about your bagpiping skills but there are people who can help. You can take classes, watch videos, or just give it the ol’ college try. 

Just remember when it comes to playing the skin flute practice makes perfect.

Make it a family affair 

It would be a conflict of interest to have a family member on the board of directors for your company, do t be that guy. Instead make sure the man your sister has kids with is indecently wealthy, have him buy the majority of the public shares of your company and it’s smooth sailing.

Be wary of people who will leave your sister high and dry with a gaggle of fat entitled children and/or  mangnaged to wiggle out of multiple insider trading indictments. 

Just because you’re innocent until proven guilty in the eyes of the court doesn’t mean you’re innocent… 

I’m walking back on the shady business thing, that could work in your favor. This is observational, sometimes things aren’t clear at first glance.

Play copy cat

If you want to impress someone you need to like what they like, even if you really don’t.

Learn to like it.

If someone who can make you something likes shit, you do it. Scarf it down and ask for more.

If your majority shareholder like $572 bottles of wine, you do too, that may be one employees monthly salary in your company but it’s the first bottle at a dinner to impress those silly peons. 

Don’t engage 

The people who work for your company are intimidated by your status, don’t make it worse by talking to them, or even looking at them (unless they have a formidable set of knockers, or an ass for days). The non-executives you employ function better when trembling at your approach.

If you have to communicate with them use small words and tell them what they want to hear. Deliver bad news with a positive twist, “We’re cutting the staff in half, but don’t worry I have a job!” or “We’re no longer ‘giving’ you benefits but the one you can buy from us are way better!”

Make sure the lower level management use this same tactic, you don’t want your executive assistants jumping ship prematurely.

*Forgive me this sin. 

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