Preventative Medicine: A Guide to Non-traditional Birth Contol

I went to Target for dog food on Sunday (and left with everything but dog food, but that’s par for the course) and in every aisle a different pregnant lady in a different striped t-shirt aimlessly adding to the piles of nonsense in her cart. 

Every aisle, a new lady heavy with child wearing a unique variant on the striped t-shirt, I was all over the store. 

It seems my little city is suffering an epidemic! Human parasites are catching and you should do your best to not get caught. 

This is 2017, we all know that we have a zillion proven methods to prevent genetic recombination, some of them new, like asking for nudes on Tinder as a conversation starter, and some tried and true, like the seeds of Queen Anne’s Lace*. Maybe the pill, an IUD, condoms in the male and/or female variety, or an old fashioned hysterectomy aren’t your style, these take forethought and effort and you want to get it one right now without having to worry about being up the duff later. You have come to the right place! Below you will find ideas for family planning that Planned Parenthood^ forgot to add to their pamphlets.

Making an effort to conceive is the best way to prevent pregnancy. My doctor was recently lamenting the visits she gets from couples who have been trying to generate offspring for years with no avail, and yet when I worked in women’s health every 15 year old who just wanted a roll in the hay was knocked up. 

Pregnancy is the privilege of those who don’t want it. So do your darndest to put a bun in the oven, schedule sex, dip things in your pee, take your temperature, lay about with your feet over your head, because chances are you are in the clear.


This one is new to me, my buddy Wenderson brought it up during a discussion about broken fingernails, I feel so enlightened I may just reach nirvana^^. The best part is this one is for dudes!

So the trick is to drip a drop of glue onto (into?) your meatus (that’s the pee hole) so it seals it up tight. Then like a nice demi-permenant hair dye, 15 washes and your back to normal.

I know superglue causes chemical burns and clogging your urethra (that’s your pee tube) will cause an excruciating urinary tract infection (or ruin you kidneys) but you can stick it in there bare!


Depending on which dirty old lady you’re talking to anal sex may be considered traditional birth control, but it’s worth mentioning, because everyone likes a guy who can take it up the butt for his girl.

Open for business

If you want to bang without consequences you need to choose your partners wisely. Yes, that is plural. 

If you spend all day getting inseminated by the same dude, his swimmers are going to work together to sniff out your precious egg (sperm chemotaxis, look it up), but if you are with three or four dudes that’s billions of cells fighting each other before heading on their journey. Those little flagellum will get tired, they won’t make it.

Think of it as a spunk douche. Like disolves like, we all learned than in Chem 101. 
Good luck.

*The internet said it’s a thing, and website** that looked like a really well thought out page from the early 1990s even cited studies (and defined post-coital) so it must be a thing. 

**I know better than to make fun of other people’s websites. My deepest apologies.

^If you think anything I suggest sounds like a good plan please Planned Parenthood so someone can set you straight on how all this works. 

^^Or that’s my cellphone vibrating in my pocket…

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