A few weeks ago I took a mini-vacation to the mountains, I told everyone I was visiting a friend, but was called out upon my return for visiting a nudist colony (I’ve never been good at keeping secrets).

As you scour my social media for photographic evidence, of which you will find none (maybe), you may find yourself wondering, how could they know and why does she love that Medi Spa so much?

One word: skin.

I spent my time with the nudists with only sunscreen on the parts of me that would have been covered by a multistrap sports bra, crisscross tank, and an the coolest capris a girl could wear. It was a spectacular effort put it paid off, I got sun poisoning on my exposed pieces*.

You may not need to burn the piss out of yourself to hide your vacation destination, but you sure as shit have expectations for your summer skin. Maybe you want a tan, or to have layered tan lines, maybe you want to look like the leather shoes shoes of a homeless man. I get it. Let me help you. 

Below you will find a list of skincare items that will help you achieve your summer looks. Feel free to mix and match!

Baby oil

This is some serious sun worshiping goop. Grease up bitches, then break out the tri-fold reflecting board.  Your glistening form will soak up every ray while reflecting those same rays back at anyone with a half mile radius. Those people will thank you. And you’ll be jerky in no time.

Coconut oil

Health-food nuts rejoice!

Coconut oil has antioxidants And antioxidants are good at preventing skin damage, at a cellular level. Bypass the slow process oral consumption and metabolism and goop up. If it’s good in your cells it has to be good on your cells. 

Water

Think of sun bathing like being cooked in a microwave. The energy waves excite the water molecules to the point of evaporation, if there isn’t enough water you’ll burn like a 2:00 AM Cup o’ Noodles.

Keep your skin moist and you’ll be right as rain.

SPF Clothing

Sunscreen comes with the hassle of reapplying, which is just Big Sunscreen’s way of making us buy more of their overpriced tubes, but you’re not one to rock the boat. You can always opt for the “bee keeper on safari” look of lightweight SPF sunwear. I swoon when I see a man in a wide brimmed hat with the chin string fastened tightly in case of wind. If you combine that with full length pants, lace up boots, and two layers of protective shirts you won’t need to add extra water to microwave me… 

That may be a bad joke, but I’m not alone in finding a completely covered man at the beach to be the hottest thing since the sun.

*Which is the best way to justify being braless at work for an extended period of time.