Being a successful adult is tough, you have to work hard, know the right people, and go to work frequently. Maybe you thought you could do it and now, at 25, are discovering that you’re not even cut out to do anything beyond answering someone more important’s phone. 

Don’t worry, you’re not just a millennial stereotype, this has been a problem for people since the dawn of time. The trick is, and always has been, to hitch your wagon to someone more successful, like a doctor, lawyer, or the mayor.

There are a few things you can do to make this dream come true, below you can find one or two.

Go to college 

Successful people tend to like people who have read books and stayed up for six days on Adderall so they could study for their first O Chem test so they could get a solid C. 

They got a B on that test (don’t be ashamed, if you were getting Bs in impossible subjects that have little baring on most careers you wouldn’t be reading this). And you now need them you to teach you. 

Make sure when you study together you bring snacks and sex, drawing them in early and hooking them with you silly stupidity (it’s ok, you have other talents). 

You should feed them your tricks and treats until they are completely dependent on you for everything except for grades. 

Then wait a few years and get your ring!

Move closer to a teaching hospital 

The saying goes “location, location, location!”

You want to marry a doctor, you plant your ass at a half decent bar near a teaching hospital and get clumsy.

Cut your hands, fall down, trip and break an ankle, just be sure that whatever mess you choose to be you do it in front of a human in scrubs (just verify they’re not a nurse first, nurses are nice and all but you want doctor money).

New doctors with fresh training will be eager to come to your rescue then you will need to thank them, properly…

Set a trap

Sometimes your love isn’t enough, your cookies and unlimited access to your cookie jar just aren’t cutting it. You’re clever though, a trap is cake.

All you’ll need is a sewing kit and a fresh box of condoms, a cold with some green boogies, and/or no ethical qualms with feminizing the local fish population. 

Just be prepared to improvise if the trap fails. Make sure your second marks looks like the doctor you’re making yours forever.