The man on the radio said that the heat index was 105 and creeping up. My electric bill is quadruple December bill. I haven’t seen a snake in six weeks.

It’s summer. 

And with the joys of beach vacations and lazy days by the pool come some traumatic side effects. Don’t let lime burns and flop tans get you down, summer is the shit, and and that shit is bananas.

To keep summer super I’ve considered the bad things that could stand in your way, I’ve either found the silver lining or given you tips for overcoming the struggle. And I did this just for you. I hope it helps.

Chafing 

My tighs are super friendly with each other. When it’s hot the fuckers get sticky and cling to each other out of fear of long term separation. It’s inevitable that walking will turn painful and pants could solve the problem, but it’s really hard to put pants on.

I understand this is not a unique issue to chubby legs. While I don’t have the tackle to chafe, I hear it happens and it’s not pleasant. Please don’t try the following advice if you have a kind partner who you want orally satisfy the rub (or do, but do so at your own risk).

If you want to avoid the chub rub grab a stick of deodorant and swipe the sweet spot. I do it, Amy Shumer does it. Everyone does it, why do I have to tell you this? 

Ticks

A walk though the woods puts you at risk for Lyme Disease and a meat allergy. It can also leave you endless tickling paranoia.

There is an upside though!

If you get a dick tick, one that’s made it to all the way the sweetest, most supple bit of skin you posses, you’ve won. 

Listen, you walk around praying to get your dick sucked and now, this tick is stepping up and sucking your dick, for hours. 

Give these creatures some respect, no one else likes you that much. When you’ve had enough dick tick, remove the bugger with an alcohol swab and send her on her way.

Snakes

I won’t use this opportunity to tell you about the time I was bitten by a snake because it’s my only claim to bad-assery and I’ve been milking this story for two years.

My friends don’t want to hear about it anymore. 

But if you get bitten call me, we’ll compare pictures of infections and fang scars. 

Also, the story comes with a pretty sweet follow up story about an Pap smear involving uncomfortable chatter about snake bites. Everyone likes a good Pap smear story, I know because someone at work will mention me meantioning them and tell me it’s gross and inappropriate. (They’re jealous they’ve never been bitten by a snake or had their Pap smeared.)

Margarita aftermath 

You’re going to be hungover. You’re going to be burned. This is the nature of the beast. Enjoy the process.

Just keep the lime in you not on you. Tequila makes your clothes fall off but lime and UV make your skin fall off (consult a physician for that shit).

Jellyfish

They’re so very pretty to look at as they float brainlessly around eating everything the tentacles filter in from the current. 

Jellyfish will fuck your up. 

Cnidarians in general should be avoided, they can kill (but only in cool places like Australia, right…right?), but if you find yourself entangled in a pulsating mass of jellies you’re going to need a friend to help relieve the sting.

And this has to be a friend you want to become internet famous with, because the dude four feet away just  posted the footage. 

If people didn’t associate you with water sports prior to this incident they will now. 

Public exposure 

The less clothes you wear, the more likely you are to fall out of them. If you are proud of your bits, make sure you have someone capture the “mishaps” on camera so you can build a sturdy online presence, you don’t want the jellyfish video to be only only claim to fame.