The Art of Lying

I don't typically advocate lying, but as a human you and I both know it's going to happen once or twice during the span of your life. And your lie will be discovered, there are no two ways about it, but the better the liar you are the longer it will take for the truth to surface.

Whether you are lying on your online dating profile (being 5'11" is not the same as being 6'1") or your resume (no one is actually proficient at Excel) you need to make it believable, at least for a little while.

An idea or two for masking reality can be found below.

Hide your tell

You have a tell. If you don't, you are a sociopath, Criminal Minds probably has an episode outlining your weekend behavior. The reality is that you probably don't know what your tell is. Find a trusted buddy to spill the beans on your tell and get rid of it.

When I lie I yawn. When I yawn I stretch but I do not stretch when I lie, so now, when I lie I stretch.

If you look down or up or into space when you lie, pretend you have an eyelash scratching the shit out of your cornea. You have to rub your eyes to save your vision!

If you sweat when you lie, layer up. It's natural to sweat while wearing a wool sweater and long underwear in the dead of summer, no one will ever suspect the sweat is anything other than over heating.

You get the picture.

Tell an even sillier lie

This one is best illustrated by example.

One day a man came to my place of business with flowers, he asked for me, I was not working, he explained without prompting the flowers were for hisco-worker. He bid my colleague good day and left, without doing business, leaving a message, or remembering that his back story was that he was a consultant looking for a job in a down market.

It was a good save on his part, My co-worker didn't catch the lies until later.

Create chaos

A lie in mixed information is hard to find, so mix it up.

Wear gold a bands on your ring finger and ask everyone if they know of a good/rich/saposexual man to set you up with.

Back on the height thing, wear lifts, stand on stairs in photos, use the same human as reference but from different perspectives, you'll get a date just so they can figure out how tall you are.

Work at your lie, build the web of conflicting information over time.

You watch Suits, you know how the internet is your best friend and worst enemy. Hack shit, photoshop, and blog in support and in opposition of your lie. Cite the conflicting info often.

Tell the truth

The best lies are not lies at all, they are the truth stated with an attitude or a question mark. The truth masks the untruth.

"I ate the last cookie and didn't throw the tin away?"

"I bought 11 pairs of shoes today." While wearing tennis shoes from high school.

"I fucked a hooker in our bed while you were gone!" This came though my floor, it was at least mostly true, but the sarcasm was distracting.

And my favorite, it's particularly relevant if you are married and dating… "I was engaged once." It's so beautiful it makes me want to get married and get in Tinder just so I can use it as my own.

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