Counting Sheep and Other Things to Think About When You Can’t Sleep

I woke up at 4:16 AM and have not been able to get back to sleep. This is typically not my style, I'm more of a set three alarms and sleep though them kind of girl.

You're in luck though, my insomnia is your benefit. Please find a list of ideas to work though if you ever find yourself similarly sleepless.

  • How much caffeine did I consume yesterday, or all week? Is caffeine to blame? How was caffeine discoverer? Was it ever considered an illicit drug? Why do I suffer from addiction to a legal drug?
  • Drugs, that's a thing, maybe I should take a Tylenol PM? Or cocaine? But that would be bad for my heart.
  • Is my heart working right? It's beating… I think. Would I know if it stopped?
  • How long would it take for someone to find me if I died right now? What would they think of what I'm wearing?
  • Who invented shirts that chafed the wearers nipples? How did they stay in business?
  • Does my dog love me or merely tolerate me because I occasionally let men come over to pet him?
  • What would happen if, while having sex in the woods, you were bitten by a venomous snake? Do you put your pants on? Do you die of embarrassment or snake venom?
  • Which hospital should I ask to go to when my heart stops?
  • Could I get away with arson? What if this arson is directed at a universally disliked figure?
  • Am I so bad at my job that I'm being fired but no one will tell me?
  • Do I have it in my budget to get a pedicure?
  • What would happen if dog poo ended up in the CEO's desk drawer?
  • How much bacon did I eat yesterday? How much is too much?
  • What if my car was stolen while I did sleep? Are my flip flops in the car, would insurance cover the emotional damage of my only pair of flip flops being stolen?
  • If a train takes a mile to stop, how long does it take to start?
  • When will it rain next?
  • Did the mosquito who bit me in the park yesterday give me Zika?
  • Why does coffee taste so good and coffee breath taste so bad? Why does coffee ice cream not taste like either?
  • Did I put the wine back in the fridge?
  • Are zoodles contributing to large scale food waste? How many zoodles am I personally wasting? Should I just eat pasta or is that worse for the environment?

Please comment with any thoughts I missed.

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