They say you should “work to live, not live to work” and “do something that you love, you’ll never work a day in your life”, and then they call their guy at The Trust Company and poof the rent is paid, and on time to boot! Unless you have a place quaint enough place to be an upscale Airbnb host while moonlighting as river guide, who also happens to be a freegan you will, at some point, work a job strictly for the paycheck.

You will do it and you will hate it, most days. And like it other days (when those days are paid vacation days). And your bills will be paid and you’ll get fat because you can afford a gym membership but not the time to use it, which is fine too because you’re still smaller than the average America.

There are ways to achieve the “work-life balance” that the glossy magazines tell you about, the can be found below.

• Booze.

 

Good luck…

 

Just kidding!

• Cocaine- full disclosure: I’ve not tried this option (curse you bad heart and issues with addiction!) I mean this little pick me up will make you work more which the boss will like, and your dealer will like, and your tailor will like. So what if it your days start to drag on with your brain literally slowing down and a touch of anhedonia to boot, that’s what more coke is for.
• Bullying- You know it feels good, so just go for it. I like to bully my clients. It makes me feel powerful and in control, even if they do think I’m a meany-head who is just being mean and no one has ever treated them so poorly in their life, not even that time when they punched their now ex-wife.
•  Nap- If you can get away with this at your desk, bully for you! If not:

Try and fail but do not fail at trying

• Steal- It’s the American way! I don’t know where permanent markers come from, but I have one, just in case I ever decide to move again… and want to label my boxes. Also, who has time to buy stamps? It only takes twenty-four $0.02 stamps to send a standard letter via the USPS.

 

I’d keep on but these are the things that get me though my day (again, still just taking other people’s word on the whole cocaine thing).

Ben Franklin said stuff about like “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise” and you can try it, but the man was a bit of a dork.

Plus who will you trust more when it comes to life advice?  The man who flew a kite during a lighting storm or the chick drinking La Croix at desk covered in puff pain, temporary tattoos and rhinestones like she’s getting ready to have a sale at her Etsy store?