Cross contamination: a Guide to Allergic Dating

I may or may have mentioned in passing here that I’m one of those peopled blessed with allergies. Food allergies, though not my most fun allergies, do create a bit of excitement when out with a new suitor.  And boy, when that suitor is also an allergic, there just aren’t words!

At this point you’re thinking my advice is getting a bit niche but think about the generations who think soy-nut butter is an actual food (that would potentially kill this one dude I went out with) that you eat with jelly. Or maybe, one day you’ll find love, and that bitch will be lactose intolerant, making your dairy heavy diet a painful wedge driven between emotional happiness and cheese.

I can’t predict the future but since we’re not all dying of influenza (since you get vaccinated, right?) before we reach puberty chances are there will be a day when you meet someone who legitimately can’t eat anything green or who has a true alpha-gal allergy (ticks, man). You need to be prepared for the wierdo shit they do.

  1. EpiPens: I don’t carry one, because I laugh in the face of danger, but so many allergic people do. I can’t blame them, its potentially life saving (or a big pharma conspiracy but you know, better safe than sorry). Sometimes these little doodads make it onto a table in a restaurant, and they can be menacing, what with the needles and stuff, but take a deep breath. The hostility of an EpiPen can only be smothered with love and understanding. Remember, the goal is nooky, the needle is there to make sure you don’t have to settle for necrophilia*.
  2. Exhausting the waitstaff: I love when waiter’s ask about allergies, it’s how I test my memory of exotic fruits and vegetables. It’s also a test to see how my companion will reaction to me involving an additional person in our evening out. The waiter and I going to be really close by the time we’ve dissecting what goes into every menu item and how that plays off of my bizarre preferences for only foods that contain things that will kill me. If you are the companion on this date, don’t freak, otherwise the allergic person has a second option for the aforementioned pants-off dance-off that everyone is trying to make happen, and they will take that option because the waiter was supportive of their health issues (and maybe spit in the food for their trouble). Giggle along with the stupid questions about whether pineapple salsa can have the pineapple safely removed and offer bites of whatever you’re eating, even though you know its filled with foods on the list of no-goes.
  3. Suggest that maybe your date has grown out of their allergy: This is for the adrenaline junkies only. If your date says that they are allergic to anything that swims, make sure you order something that once propelled itself though life with fins. Don’t tell your dining companion, because they don’t know what poke is, and you think it’s hella yummy. Once they’ve had a taste and their eyes begin to bulge and their speech is slurred. Apologize profusely and explain that you thought maybe they had grown out of their allergy like your baby cousin did with tomatoes. You get major bonus points for offering an essential oil to cure the allergy.
  4. Post-allergen lovin’: I will never stop anyone from chowing down on a banana split no matter how it hurts my heart that I can’t enjoy such a delightful concoction, my only request is that after you lick the bowl you go straight to licking my split*. Kissing seems dangerous but a nether reaction just makes things tighter, and that’s more fun for everyone

*My mom is going to be super proud I wrote that on the internet.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s