Ghosts of Tinder Past

We’ve all been there. Thanksgiving has come and gone. Aunt Marge has bullied you about your weight. Uncle Frank has announced that its ok by him that you’re “one of the gays” because that’s the only reason you could possibly be single at your age. Your pants are a little tighter than they were in July and your bed is just a bit chilly when you wake up in the morning.

You’re lonely. And it’s the holidays. This is natural. What is unnatural is the number of bad Tinder dates that start hitting you up because you’re sending out vibes of deep desperation into the universe.

It’s ok to vibe that way, it happens, but don’t let these ghosts of Tinder past trip you up. Below are some strategies to prevent repeat mistakes.

Swipe left

When I swipe my text messages left they disappear, not terribly dissimilar to the men on the Tinder.

It sounds simple but you haven’t gotten laid since that one time you let that one guy buy you a drink and thought, “oh what the hell, no one ever has to know,” so we all know you are weak.

We also all know about the last guy you slept with, we were out at the bar with you.

Send nudes

If a nude picture is requested, send one. I’m not advocating putting your naked body out there to be put on the internet, I’m suggesting fulfilling a request. Try taking a graphic (consensual) dick pic of the dude you’re talking too and press send.

There is a possibility that the recipient of this photo will be excited and want more but chances are his 8 inches on Tinder can’t stand up to anything you find on an average man. His intimidation will cause him to fall silent for good.

Send a fee schedule

Maybe it’s not a deterrent that he’ll have to pay for your services, but if you’re expensive enough he’ll have to borrow the funds from mommy and daddy. I’m sure they want him to be happy, but do they really want to pay for his $2 hand job habit?

Tell him how you feel

This man can’t get you out of his mind, and he’s chained to your heart, right? Tell him about your undying love. Tattoo his name above your heart, write him poetry. Or…


Because of you’re married Tinder will be a mutual joke and you’ll always have a dick to send to other ghosts at Christmas.

So what it he doesn’t talk to waitresses and reminds you of a delicate, starving baby bird when he tries to eat your face- er… I mean kiss you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s