I’ve been known to abort a pregnant pauses. I’ve skipped doses while administering the silent treatment. No lie, I’ve been chattering refuge for a priest on silent retreat.

My incessant noise exists to prevent introspection (though I’m sure some coworkers think I blather on to motivate them to be busy enough to ignore me). And I’m sure I’m not alone in my cacophony, so when silence is thrust upon you the internal din rushes in.

There are some common forced silences we all must endure, to help you through these trying times I’ve laid the scenarios out along with the translation of aforementioned silence.

Post-interview radio silence

You didn’t get the job and no one wants to get sued for telling you as much. If you weren’t such a litigious fuck maybe they’d tell you that your competition had more experience and didn’t care so much about whether the snacks in the break room were free.

Or maybe you picked your nose had a munch which totally grossed the interviewers out but they don’t want to embarrass you by telling you how unimpressed they were by this move.

The wake of a controversial joke

Maybe your best friend really is black, I don’t know your life, but I do know that in this case your tasteless joke landed like half of a cockroach in your half finished slice of cake. This awkward lack of laughing is a special silence meant to prevent your yelling about everyone else needing to lighten up.

Or you could just stop making rape jokes, especially at a five-year-old’s birthday party.

The ghost

Ghosting is one of those modern day delights that comes with the instant gratification of electronic communication (though I’m sure our grandparents had something similar, my best historical reference for this phenomenon is The Notebook). It’s all text, text, text…nothing.

Being ghosted is about one of two things: making it your fault (because sudden silence always wakes up the most insecure section of your brain) or death.

Sometimes people you’ve gone out with once or twice just sort of die. It’s sad but there are other right-swipes in the sea.

When the check from the Internet bounces

Of course there isn’t any response from the email address of the guy who bought the fancy broach you had on eBay when his check bounces. It wasn’t a real check.

Stop accepting checks from the internet.