Resolute You

I’d be a bad blogger, and a worse life coach, if I didn’t tell you what to do to get your life back on track after another year of just living. I mean, what are you doing with your life if you aren’t gearing up to invest in yourself at this moment of annual renewal?

Look, I could list 56 things for you to do to improve your life with only 46 of them being variations of you getting off your fat ass and making said fat ass less fat, but since we’ve covered that in a single line we’ll haven’t to dig deeper.

This new year should be a time of reflection of the past. You cannot improve if you cannot examine the mistakes you have made in the past and build upon the knowledge of your failings to maybe fail differently next time.

Start by going through all of your failed Tinder contacts. Hit them up. They are real people and if they are only half as bad as you perceived them at your first impression, then you have some pretty solid candidates for “Mr(s). Right”.

If you are lucky enough to have a dick pic or two to match these once and future suitors (this only works if you date men) it may help you narrow down the candidates. Remember that a mediocre lay will be loyal, and the best sex (which should be obvious from the pics) comes with strings attached. But who doesn’t love an emotionally abusive relationship, am I right?

With a plan in place for your personal life let’s tackle your professional life. You have a job, great. Maybe you’re feeling under appreciated, you aren’t making enough money, maybe the glass ceiling feels a little low, or perhaps your commute is just painful.

You are not alone, lots of people are professionally dissatisfied, but you should try and stick it out. Changing jobs because you would rather pull your toenails off one by one instead of working another eight hours would make you look flakey. Perhaps you just need to take on more responsibilities. Take some initiative. It’ll work out for you this year, probably. If you really need to mix things up, become a notary public or something else exotic.

If you’re solid in a relationship, with a human or a toy I’m not here to judge, or your somehow ok with your job for whatever reason start the year by changing up your look. I’ve read a lot about this dry shampoo and contouring, these things a great, if you have a taste for those types of things go for it. Personally, I’m for breaking the rules, my mom told me never to wear a ponytail in public so on Mondays, in defiance of this rule, I put my dry shampooed hair in a tight ponytail and line my eyes like I partied too hard over the weekend (two birds, one stone).

Take the rule that binds you and toss it out the window. Maybe someone told you that you should only ever wear heels because flats make your feet look fat, or that you shouldn’t dye your hair because it makes you look too old instead of younger. These rules don’t apply to you unless you want them too. Just remember, ladies and gentlemen, leggings aren’t pants, cover your junk.

Hell, worst case, this year pick a new hobby. You want to attract attention, make yourself stand out, be the person everyone is talking about for reasons other than picking your nose in public. Try something that scares you… just maybe skip heroine, I’ve heard bad things.

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