Last night I won the award for “Online Dating at its Best”!

I didn’t even know I was nominated but I won. It’s like the Emmy’s but in Pringle crumb covered sweatpants (just kidding, you guys, I don’t own sweatpants).

I know not everyone can be a winner but I want to help those of you still using the internet to find love, sex, and brunch companionship achieve as much as possible. This is a coveted trophy, and my process is quite specific, if you try really hard you’ll maybe reach next best.

Second prize isn’t that bad though, potential partner and what not. We can get you there. I’ll be behind you, cheering you on as you shoot for the stars. I’ve got your plaque engraved and ready; Sort of a Satisfactory Online Dating Experience is within your reach.

In case you need some help some of my best tips can be found below.

Dating a short person

• If you’re a woman taller than 5’4″ and you are dating a man who is shorter than 5’9″ you’re so brave. We solute you.
• If you are man dating a woman who is on the diminutive side height wise make a joke about saving her knees from hardship one your first date, when you meet her family the first time, in front of her boss, and to strangers in the grocery store. It’s a funny joke.
• Don’t bend at the waist to kiss your person, make them work for your affection.
• Pat their head when they are angry, it has a calming affect.

Dating a fat person

• Tell your person they’re pretty in-spite of their fatness.
• Compliment their bravery on not caring what other people think while they are eating, wearing and new outfit, and/or exercising.
• Find out what parts of their body they dislike the most and giggle while you make them jiggle.

Dating a divorced person

• Make sure you’re as much like their former spouse as possible, in appearance, in bed, while nagging; they married them didn’t they?
• Find out where their wedding was held and reclaim it as your own romantic spot.
• Befriend their former spouse so you know before they get back together that this is a possibility and you can simultaneously encourage it and pretend to be paranoid about the ex coming back into the picture.

Dating a married person

• Choose lunch spots that are out of the way, but not too out of the way, some social acceptance of your relationship is necessary.
• Money is worth it.
• Be understanding about early curfews, a quickie and home by 8:00PM is a good enough date for a couple of 17-year-olds on a school night, why not you?
• Don’t wear lipstick

Dating a person from another culture/race/religion

• Remember stereotypes are based on reality
• It’s ok to use racial epithets in bed
• Vegetarianism is a personal choice not a religious one, sneak this person a bit of steak so they know what they are missing.

Dating more than one person

• If you can’t remember who you made plans with, remind each of they that you made those plans, first to respond wins.
• Date people with the same or similar names so you can say their name in the heat of the moment and not get thrown out.

Play it cool when you show up at the wrong person’s house for a late night tryst, look at how spontaneous you are!

I wish you the best of luck and I welcome tips from other winners.