As it always does, the holidays has led to much rejoicing and the announcement of impending offspring. Its amazing that birth control failure is so rampant at Thanksgiving (I’m not a scientist so that’ll have to be a study conducted by someone with a PhD or an MD). But it is, and lucky me, a straight, cis woman, I am going to be a father.

And I know what you’re thinking, how does that work? Despite it being biologically impossible, the boy I’m dating told me it is going to be so. Granted, I did have to ask, since he was complaining of exhaustion from vacation, exhaustion being the first sign of pregnancy for many women other than a missed period and I don’t know that I know him well enough at this point to discuss his menstrual cycle with him.

I’m very excited to be a father!

I was recently told, by a new mother, that I’d make a good father, so I’m confident this is going to work out.

I have not had much time to consider fatherhood in the same way that I have motherhood. It’s natural, given how my biology, sexuality, social position, etc., that one would be more front of mind than the other. But now, there is this man who is so very sleepy, giving me a baby in eight to ten months so I’m investigating fatherhood.

I get the feeling that it doesn’t take much to be a good father, there are so many bad examples out there, including the one that I had to listen to complain about how lonely he was on Christmas until someone made airport hand signals to relieve me from the call. If you need a few examples of how to be a good father (like me!) you can find them below.

Knock up a fertile lady

Ok, guys, this one is a joke. Being a father, biologically speaking, is easy. Fuck off and get your shit together.

Support your kid

I mean in the financial sense. Make sure the kid has veggies to eat and shoes that fit, hell pay for their college if you can. Don’t buy them a yoga studio and raise their kids for them when they are confused at how to be an adult as they head deeper into their 30s.

I also mean emotionally. You’re kid doesn’t have to be the best at anything for you to be proud of them, so be proud of them. But you know don’t enable their bullshit by being proud just because they didn’t accidentally kill themselves during adolescences. That whole keeping them alive into adulthood is a notch in your belt, Daddy, not theirs.

Be honest, mostly

They’re going to ask you want a tampon is one a day that you aren’t ready to share with them what a tampon is, you should tell them anyway. The good news is that most dads have never used one, so there isn’t a graphic detailed version of this answer that needs to be curtailed to an age appropriate answer.  You’re kid is going to ask you why you and their mommy fight, or you why they don’t look anything like you, some answers are better left vague.

Be healthy

I find it annoying when my father has brain surgery on my birthday (he’d tell you he didn’t plan it, but two years in a row?) so don’t be that dad. Don’t have a heart attack while you’re kid playing basketball or while shoveling snow either. You know, if you wouldn’t do it to your best friend, don’t do it to your kid either.

 

If you have other suggests, feel free to leave them in the comments.