The US has finally started to take this little global pandemic seriously. Basketball has been canceled, some dude in Tennessee thought he’d make a buck is sitting on more hand sanitizer and Sami-wipes than all of the hospitals East of the Mississippi River, schools are closed, and you can only torturous one-ply toilet paper.

You’re going to be stuck at home and it’s going to suck. I know all too well how much it’s going to suck because I’ve not walked out my front door in four full days.

That’s right I started my quarantine early because I super duper wanted to use my limited PTO (though it’s much more than many other people get and I’m very aware of that) to sit t home alone sick.

Yes, my symptoms are exactly COVID-19 symptoms. No, I didn’t get tested because I tested positive for influenza. Yes, the flu is worthy of quarantine though not as long.

I want to help you through this time. I want you to do better than me (I was unprepared, I only have four rolls of toilet paper and a single box of pasta). Below you’ll find ways to keep from going stir crazy. Good luck and Godspeed.

Cook

I don’t mean boil different shaped pasta, that’s what you do for a Tinder date who’s being a little resistant to your advances. You need to care for yourself. Find a reputable website or watch some episodes of The Great British Baking Show.

You know, you should probably stop feeding your Tinder dates pasta, it’s not helping your cause.

Sing

The Italians are doing it, but we’ve heard you humming while washing your. You can improve.

Use your time cooped up to work on pitch and projection. It’s ok if your neighbors record you through the walls and share it with their coworkers, everyone can use a little joy, even if its at your expense.

Nap

You don’t get enough sleep. Your boss won’t catch on that you’re sleeping most of the day, it’s not like naps will affect your productivity…

Masturbate

Jerking it, if you will, is the very definition of self-care, you feel better, you sleep better, it boost your immune system according to the clickbait. So go for it.

Just be sure the next time you hit up Costco for TP you grab some lube too, friction is your friend… to a point.

This may be a point in your day where you should consider washing your hands, lest you get lube and viruses on everything.

Fuck up the Algorithm

Netflix has what you like at your fingertips, but it’s a delicate balance. Once you’re through the things you like start watching things you can’t stand, then watch some more, then cancel Netflix because it’s ruined. You’ve cured part of your screen addiction, and you’re saving money which you’re going to need because you just lost 80% of your retirement fund.

Read a Book

You probably have one in your house. Just sound out the words the same way you do when it’s on your phone.

Grow your Hair

It’s time to see your true self. No one will see you to judge you for growing your patchy lady mustache or braiding your armpit hair. You’ve spend countless hours and/or dollars obsessively calming your business, why not let it all go see what natural really looks like these days.

Clean

Your bathroom is disgusting, fix it.

There are probably other things to do, probably. If you come up with any feel free to comment.