Good Touch, Bad Touch because You Need Another Post about COVID-19

Just to keep tabs: home alone for 8 days now, 3 days working from home, 17 hours since my last fever disappeared, 5 potatoes roasted, 2 cups of coffee (since I’ve been confined, not today, I’m not a barista).

Now that you know that I have reached the end of my rope, I thought I’d try something new: I’m not going to tell you what to do if you’re fully isolated, I’m going to do a little compare and contrast from the the time to then now times.

I’m also considering making this post one giant sentence because the rules of grammar don’t matter because schools don’t exist!

Anyhow: compare and contrast, what was normal then and what is normal now. Let us begin.

Hugging coworkers

Before: Bad. No one want a hug from their IT guy, especially if he has a a weird facial growth (you know who you are). It’s not subtle, you’re just touching boobs and butts and stuff in a way that you think is acceptable. You’re not allowed to touch boobs and butts and stuff.

Now: Depends. Still bad if you’re going for boobs and butts, also bad because you could kill them slowly. Good if you hug the IT guy with the growth and he dies slowly.

Putting your hand on someone’s back when walking past them

Before: Tricky. This is mostly ok, because backs are mostly ok. Some people use this move to put their bits on you, that not cool. But still, mostly ok.

Now: Bad. Why the fuck are you in some else’s droplet cloud like that? Do you want this virus? Do you? ‘Cause that’s how you get the virus. Take your ass home and wash your hands and face. Seriously.

Helping a fallen elderly person

Before: Good. They’re may yell at you because old people can’t get up on their own but they don’t want their pride hurt as bad as their old people bones. Back in the day you could watch them flop around like fish until they relented.

Now: Leave the fuckers on the floor.

Yourself, during work hours

Before: Bad. You pricks all thought you were getting away with it, but mostly the rest of us just worked really hard to ignore your weird grunting.

Now: Whatever. Make sure your web cam is covered and make it quick. Lots of people aren’t getting paid right now, let alone paid to wank.

Fondling grapes

At the grocery store you perv.

Before: Good. Grapes are sold by weight and they are only delicious when they are firm and juicy. You need to know the grapes you were going to purchase before you purchase them.

Now: Bad. Fuck off. You don’t wash your hands when you go to the bathroom, don’t expect us to forgive your potty and virus hand.

Moral of the story: you’re not allowed to touch other people or the things they eat any longer, unless you work in a restaurant that is now serving delivery, in that case bless you.

A last thought: if you’re using what I just said to avoid touching a person you are in an intimate relationship with, interest rates are low, go buy yourself a house and move into it, alone.

Good luck.

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