Write a Resume Worth Not Reading

I know you had a resume with you when you applied for your snazzy mall job but you didn’t need it then so it didn’t matter what it said or how it looked, but now you need a real job and a real resume.

Throw out your old resume. It wasn’t good then and it sure as hell won’t fly now, so toss it in the trash.

Open a word document. Write your name, your address, your most professional email address, and a phone number that you intend to answer on the top of the page. Add some stuff about your education then list all of your jobs from most recent to mowing lawns when you were 12 years old. List your accomplishments. Cluster all of these things under titles that fit them. Choose a nice font and organize it into something visually stunning. If this isn’t your forte use a template.

After you have everything vomited onto the electronic page. Start deleting all of it.

Delete your GPA, no one cares.

Delete everything you did in high school. High school was bull shit so unless you started a Fortune 500 from under the bleachers, forget it happened.

Delete your sports accolades because when you didn’t make into the NFL they stopped mattering.

Don’t quote Benjamin Franklin. Fuck, don’t quote anyone.

No color. No pictures. This document needs to look good on paper and as PDF (yes, you need to send it out as a PDF).

Once you’ve cut it down to a single page, print it out. Then hand it to someone who is better at reading than you are. You know at least one of these people, use them.

Your final product should be a glorified list of things you want prospective employers to ask you about. Lists are bare, you want some white to shine through so the interviewers can fill in the blanks.

They’re not going to read it anyway.

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