I was recently promoted to the position of boss and as such I get to build my own team. Which means I get to interview people, strangers even! And my interviews decide if they get to leave their hellish jobs and work for me.

Before the positions I’m hiring for were posted I had an idea of the type of person I wanted to hire (clones of me) and the type of person I couldn’t stand to deal with on a daily basis (clones of me). Knowing what you need (and want) is a great start but you need to remember that employment law is a thing and overt discrimination is illegal.

There are ways to weed out the folks who just won’t do. Interviews are crucial, don’t waste your time asking where they see themselves at various increments in the future instead ask the questions that really matter. A few of my go-tos can be found below.

What is your stance on banging clients and/or coworkers?

I’m not going to tell what answer you want to hear, maybe it’s no big deal that your team is made up of raging sluts who use the office Rolodex as their personal little black book. You need to know if the hall bathroom is going to become the home to lunch break orgies so that you can schedule your own break according to your feelings about this.

I will say if you run a brothel, you should be looking for people who are all in on the whole sex with paying customers thing.

Are you pregnant or planning on becoming pregnant?

If you’ve ever worked on a very small team in a female dominated field you know that preggos and new mothers are beyond inconvenient. They take a shit ton of time off, call out unexpectedly and think that because they are incubating a human parasite that they deserve pee breaks more frequently than their coworkers.

Maybe your team can handle this kind of stress but be wary of hiring too many women of child bearing age, pregnancy is contagious.

What is your preferred method of birth control?

This question may seem a bit prying to some, or redundant when used as a follow up to the whole “starting a family” line of questioning but it’s perfect for weeding out idiots. Yes, there have been studies that suggest that the withdrawal method is perfectly sound but if they say the rhythm method and you choose to hire them, make sure that you aren’t entrusting them with anything difficult or important.

What are your feelings on sexual harassment?

I ask this because I need to know in advance if I’m going to be reported to HR by my subordinates for having photos of my clients in various states of undress in my office. I also want to make sure they aren’t going to have a problem with me harassing men in other departments.*

What’s your sign?

You need celestial compatibility. There is no way I could work with a Scorpio or a Virgo so  I will never hire either.

How many Facebook friends do you have?

You can tell a lot about a person by how they use social media. If they have 1025843 Facebook friends it means they’re flakes, if they have that many followers on Instagram it means they post nudes (or semi-nudes) and if their Twitter handle is a household name then they are clever as hell. You don’t want any of these people (unless you’re hiring them to do your social media) because they are way to self absorbed and as the boss you should be the only person in the office with a head that big.

Do you drink?

This is a great question because if the do they can recommend something for the killer hangover you are suffering (because interviews are stressful so you pre-gamed) and if they don’t, they will never show up to work in worse shape than you.

Are your parents living?

Aging parents are a burden on their children. Look for orphans.

Are you vegetarian?

We all know vegetarian is code for an alternative lifestyle. If you’re looking to diversify your team vegetarians are a good way to go, just don’t expect them to contribute anything of worth to team potlucks.

 

Good luck and happy head hunting.

 

*Do not sexually harass the people who work for you, it’s not going to end well for you.