This past weekend I had a stranger yell at me that I am “too fat to get fucked” while his friends egged him on and his child watched.

This encounter left me to confront  two issues. First, what have I been doing with naked men all this time? (We’ll tackle that another day, I have a ton of research to do on that one.) And second, why I am just now learning that I’m fat?!

I know, it’s hard to believe that I wasn’t aware of my appearance, but it’s not like I’ve ever looked in a mirror or tried on a dress at H&M, so cut me a bit of a break. Maybe you also fall in the Lena Dunham/Adele range of body types and because you mistakenly thought you were happy with yourself most of the time you didn’t realize you had a problem.

This is where the fat shamers, the only honest people out there, come in handy. You do have a problem (and so do I) and together we’re going to work on solving it. Please continue reading for tips and trick which will help you reach the weight-loss goals strangers have set for you.

Meth

Have you ever seen a fat meth head? Exactly.

And if your fat shamers are anything like the lovely men who voiced their opinion about my weight, they’ll have some on them. You could buy it from them or you could use your fat strength (you know, all the lifting of tubs of frosting to your face has done you some good) to wrestle it away from their scrawny methed out asses.

If you don’t have access to meth, try cocaine or heroin. Basically, you need to get so deep into this shit that you forget to eat, for like a year. I mean the teeth and the skin issues, the vascular stuff, it’s all shitty once you hit your goal weight.

Go with a girdle

If you can’t drop the weight, suck that shit in. Go with boning if you really want to fool everyone. You might think that waist trainers should be purchased at the size that you wear, but no, go ahead and get one that would fit you at the size you think people will accept you for, then layer those firming tanks underneath so that you don’t get lumpier.

Don’t worry about compressing your internal organs, they don’t need much room to work.

Drink water

This is easy. Water is the substance you need to consume the most of, so consume it. Think of it as a cleanse, just with water instead of lemons and cayenne. You can’t drink too much water. So drink water until you’re thin enough to add the lemons in.

If you are hungry, drink water. Feel weak from lack of vital nutrients, drink water. If you feel faint, drink water.

Ignore positive feedback

Positive feedback is like instant sabotage.

If someone says they think you are pretty without qualifying it that you are pretty for a fat girl, ignore them, they are probably fat themselves and you don’t need that in your life. If someone tells you that your tit-to-waist ratio is on point, keep in mind that proportions can stay the same as numbers get smaller, they’ll like it better that way. If you have ever had anyone grab hold of your belly and snuggle into the squish, enjoying the softness of it, they were lying.

If the people for whom you work, your friends, or your family say that you look good the way you are, they are just trying to placate you. They know how cranky you are when you are on a diet.

Tapeworm

They sound nasty but they do the trick. The tapeworm hooks into your intestines and absorbs all of your consumed food. Bam! You are nearly instantly thin. You can wing it with some raw pork or something but you can probably get one online and get this shit started right away.

 

 

Good luck, godspeed