There is a man in my life who I fairly regularly upset by suggesting that I frequently fantasize about him in the throws of a homosexual romp. His harrumph is adorable. And I always “win” the conversation by telling him it’s not that I think he’s gay, but he should try dick sometime because I like it and he may too.

He gets so flustered by the mere suggestion that he may, possibly, in some other universe or in the far reaches of my imagination, be something other than the straight that he’s never turned it back on me. The man has never (that I can recall, we’ve been playing this game for years) asked me why I don’t add a woman to my rotation.

I think I ruined that future back and forth by sharing with him how hard it has been to find a new gym that makes me happy after my most recent move.

I found a Pilates studio. There is one instructor who knows what she’s doing, one who instructs in platforms (this is a non-Pilates skill, but a skill nonetheless) and a smattering if other of varying skill and excitement. So when I tried a class with an instructor who had actual muscles to go with her fake tan and boobs and eyebrows I was excited.

But something happened during that class that left me un-excited…

While we were doing the fun thing where your legs are akimbo in straps, the muscly instructor walked by and ran her hands from my one right knee to to my left knee. She didn’t hesitate or skip the little triangle that keeps leggings from splitting.

This small moment answered a lot of questions for me, solidified that I do indeed love dick, but unfortunately I love dick exclusively. I had suspected this, but it’s a huge bummer living in this new town with poor prospects for dating.

And now you’re wondering how this could help you and why the hell I’m writing at all, I can explain! I swear!

If you have questions you need answers to join a gym.

I’m not a health coach, I’m here to teach you about life, not fitness.

You want to know if you’re cheap? Join a gym.

You want to know if you have issues with commitment? Join a gym.

Are you questioning your sexuality or question why you aren’t questioning your sexuality? Join a gym. Maybe find one with a locker room, maybe don’t, only you know what’s doing to help you.

If you need to figure out if you are judgmental, join a gym. This is especially good if you swear up and down that you aren’t.

Do you need to know if you could run for your life? Do a free intro day at a gym.

I could go on but you get it. Other people in skin tight clothes, sweating and grunting, and doing other things that people do at the gym will teach you a whole lot about yourself.