It has been a full week since I’ve had a conversation with someone in person. And I cried today, because it’s only Wednesday. And I haven’t exercised in 10 days because breathing air hurts. But it’s too early for rock deep in your guts depression.

So how do you deal?

You can always educate yourself. Last night I spent an hour on Murderpedia looking into a murder committed by the childhood best friend of one of my childhood best friend’s older sister. Next I will do research on Black Monday, which is what economists call my birthday.

You probably have stuff like this in the back of your mind, go down the rabbit hole. It’s far less unsettling then meeting all your half siblings and unknown cousins on some ancestry site.

But I could be wrong. This social isolation may last long enough to spit in a tube, send it in, get the results, find a long lost or unknown someone and the hound your family about past dalliances. You make come to find out that Facebook is less than a quarter century old, so there a lot of long-losts out there, people just lost touch. But also you should be passing judgement on those people who lost touch and accidentally abandoned children.

Which probably makes you feel lonely, and I’m sorry I brought it up. There is a cure. Tinder! But be sure to practice safe sex, you know condoms but also at least 6 to 10 feet of separation and constant sanitizing. Enjoy the romp and for giggles, since you used the condom from your wallet that probably expired, don’t get the social details of your fling.

I may be out of line, but this quarantine may last long enough for have a love child, which grows into. A sentient being of an age where it spits into a tube and looks for its lost biological parent, and your bored so you spit into a tube, send it off, waited for the results and discover your isolation baby.

There won’t be a warm reunion at a Starbucks in a neutral part of town because they still don’t have chairs and standing on the sidewalk is weird enough when people are able to stand close enough to hear each other. Maybe you should learn to make a good cup of coffee and just text your greetings.

I’m sure you have the time to perfect a cup of coffee, ground by hand and filtered with what you may recall love feeling like, but it could also just be that you’ve found a way to repurpose the 86,054 rolls of toilet paper you purchased when all of this started.