I have a reputation to uphold, so today, when I received news that made me tear up in the middle of a meeting I was faced with the challenge of saving face and pretending like I wasn’t texting.

The texting thing is easy enough, I get work email on my cell phone, because I’m super cool and super important. If you are now feeling a touch inadequate, good, now go get your work email loaded onto your phone so you can feel special and we can move on to serious problems.

Crying tears of joy is a sign of weakness, that you have a heart, and that, you soft little bitch, will cause you some serious trouble down the road. You don’t want people expecting you to care about their personal struggles and triumphs. The second people think you can care about others you’re screwed. So when you are caught welling up over something sweet, lie a little. Fibs can be found below.

• Gas-embarrassing but people get it
• Cramps- less embarrassing but prevents folks asking questions
• Paper cut- will get you some sympathy
• Stubbed toe- if you’re sitting you’ll look stupid but it still works
• Coffee burn- tongue or hand, take your pick, and have a cry
• Boredom- literally bored to tears
• Bladder spams- painful, and when the meeting runs long, believable
• Hell fire- because if you’re in a meeting like I was, you truly are living thought hell