Getting Out of a Ticket

If you drive you will, at some point, find yourself sitting on the side of the road with blue lights flashing at you. If you are me you will have to illegally back your vehicle the wrong direction down an expressway at the request of an officer who popped out from behind a toll booth that you were passing though to find yourself in said postion.

You think if you’re nice, you undo a few buttons, bat your eyelashes, maybe you’ll get off with a warning. You are more than welcome to try, most likely it won’t work. 

You could prepay the ticket or go to court in hopes of leniency, but there is a better way, see below.

  1. Befriend a cop – I suggest someone of superior rank to the ticket issuing officer.
  2. Build a reputation of helplessness – Everyone feels sorry for damsels in destess, become one, even if you are not a lady.
  3. Find junk that needs to be removed – The junk should have some heft (see helplessness) and value, say a TV (the old kind) or something.
  4. Have your cop friend help you remove junk – It needs to be so heavy that he’ll need a friend, plan accordingly.
  5. Suggest he bring a cute friend – You are helpless and shameless now, it’s a winning combination. You know the name of the officer who wrote you the ticket, so tell your cop friend to bring him along to help hoist your junk out.
  6. Fawn over ticketing officer – He is so cute and kind and how can you ever repay him?
  7. Take a photo of your junk leaving your apartment -Get the ticketing officer’s face and rippling biceps in crisp focus.
  8. Send the photo of the ticketing officer stealing your valuables to the local paper.

You have a better idea? I’d like to hear it.

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