Faking Fitness

I live in a very fit city. There are bike lanes and running paths and races every weekend. The park under my windows is home to adult football and kickball leagues.

I utilize the paths nearly daily and am constantly being passed by people who aren’t even breathing heavy on their 18th mile. I cannot keep up, there isn’t time and I can’t afford the shoes needed to be that effective at getting myself from place to place.

If you are like me, somewhere between the beginning and end of a seven day work week, you need to figure out how to make people think you are fit as a fiddle while not killing yourself in order to actually be fit. Ideas follow.

Look the part

You need to be decked in stretchy, brightly colored stuff.

Wear shorts and pulled up socks.

Take your shirt off and be topless, or compression-bra-ed within an inch of your life, like your buff peers.

Take the stairs

Kind of. The last two floors will do it, you just want people to think you tackled eight stories of stairs. That would be torture to actually do.

Sweat

This could be brought on by your lack of fitness but if you are in the right types of places while you’re sweating from minimal exertion none will be the wiser.

Eat the part

Water and extra protein laden processed foods will do. It doesn’t hurt that they will keep you full despite your fridge being on the empty side.

Complain

People who workout get sore. Their fatigued muscles make simple tasks like loading a watermelon into a grocery cart difficult. Observe their groaning and match their struggles.

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