I work for a smallish company with a rather intimidatingly available set of executives. They know the folks who work for them, the President of the company knows that I’m the new girl (despite six years and as many positions) and the COO thinks I’m rather loud. A few weeks ago my company announced a merger (or we were acquired but why argue semantics) so now I have to make first impressions with the new executive suite.

If you are one of those people who work as a peon in a very large cooperation you may not think this type of thing applies to you, but one day you will be minding your till and bam! the big boss from the NYC head office is standing in front of you buying your overpriced, cheap wares. This is your time to shine. Make an impression, a lasting impression. A few ideas for how to make yourself known to the people with letters for titles can be found below.

Be the subject of a letter writing campaign

Its hard to make an impression on executives if you haven’t made an impression on your clients. So let your clients do the talking for you.

They say there is no such thing as bad publicity, take that to heart. If being excellent at your job doesn’t work, make sure you royally piss off an extremely vocal crazy person who will never let whatever slight you have paid to die.

Bonus points if the complaints come from a former co-worker fired for embezzlement.

Be irreverent

 Remember that these people have worked hard to get the letters that make up their titles, they have choked on plenty of cock to earn their tremendous salaries and grand benefits. This suffering has caused a bit of entitlement, you owe them your respect.

But if you’re honest with yourself,  you know no one gets noticed bowing to the c-suite. Being demure or soft spoken cannot help you get notices. Try acting like you are one of their peers rather than a subordinate.

Bring your dick to work

I’ve mentioned this before, if you don’t have a dick at your desk you might as well be invisible. I made this mistake recently when introduced to the top man of our forthcoming parent company while dressed like a lady, in bright colored shoes, no dick of my own. He was instantly confused about the title he was presented with and had to be corrected, more than once, that I am a department head for the entire company rather than just the tiny region in which I physically reside.

Never get caught without your dick, you never know when you will need to prove you know how to use it.

Chew gum

Trust me.