I don’t know how people functioned back when you had to pay out of pocket for the doctor who came to the aid of Little Jimmy, frail from the consumption. I get the feeling that car insurance, health insurance, bundled homeowners policies and the rest are new on the scene. And they are crippling the millennials who insist on having cars and health, things which we are required to insure.

As someone who isn’t always in compliance with these requirements (indeed, I have until noon on November 29 to figure out if I will be compliant next year) I have come up with a handy guide to help you survive the scarce times of adulthood uninsured.

Use condoms

Sure, they protect against STIs and unintended pregnancies, both of which have the potential to drive up the cost of your healthcare. But condoms can serve so many other valuable purposes. 

Toss your house keys in a condom and leave the package by your front door when you go out, not only will you not lose them whilest running amuck, you will protect your valuables (however many you have it don’t have) from burglary. If you use a hide-a-key, be it a rock or faux poo, you’re not fooling anyone. It takes a special kind of determination to pick up a “used” condom when looking for easy access to a Ramen noodle gold mine.

When you head out to the beach or the river or the pool grab a box of your favorite brand, not because you may get lucky (but if you do, you’re all set), but because inflated condoms make a wonderful floatation device. Just blow the suckers up and tie them in a ring, instant life preserver. If you are more talented go for one of those rafts that you can lay out on and sun bathe, vitamin D and all.
Going hiking? Fill a few with water to keep hydrated. Pack a few in the first aid kit to use as a tourniquet in a pinch.

Don’t forget to keep one handy for your phone, an Otterbox and insurance maybe the conversational way to go but you know you can’t afford that.

Walk everywhere 

Just as long as where you walk has a low incidence rate for pedestrian accidents.

 Walking is good for your cardiovascular health which is a mild benefit since you can’t afford an out of pocket doctors visit, but it also negates the need to have auto insurance. 

The downside to walking is that it’s slow, once you’ve built the heart strength, try running. Just keep in mind that long distance runners get some ugly wear and tear injuries that take time and money (and lasers) to fix, you don’t want to over do it. 

Wear clean socks

I mean for fuck sake just because you are poor doesn’t mean you have to toss all self respect out the window!

Also clean socks can help keep your athletes foot from turning jock itch, your poor diabetic circulation up to snuff, at least as much as possible, and your mother from ridiculing your shoe funk everytime she visits.

Eat whole foods

For some people this means whole pizzas and whole bags of chips. Who are we to judge? But for those of us not able to complete such tasks try whole apples and whole bananas, a whole head of lettuce or whole grain bread by the whole loaf. 

If you can’t finish your whole foods just seal them up with one of the above mentioned condoms.