Reducing the Risk of Repeat Wardrobe Malfunction

As a professional I am supposed to dress a certain way. As a lazy professional, that means I pretty much never wear pants. If celebrities are any indication of the problems that dresses pose when it comes to covering the fun stuff, you can guess that I suffer the occasional bits mishap.

I’m not alone with this plight. Everyday, there are people out there with their shirt protruding from their fly and mis-buttoned buttons, and likely one day, you will be one of these poor souls.

On that day, I am here for you, just remember my handy dandy tips for the problems listed below.


You may be thinking, “Visible panty line? get a thong ding dong,” but you are wrong. I don’t care about your visible panty lines, either your ass is too big or your drawers are too small but everything is covered, so at the very worst it’s just a bad look.

I’m talking about visible penis lines. If you have a penis and you are wearing pants passers-by should not be able to tell in which direction you dress, and yes, we are talking about your flaccid, walking around cock (if you’re normal state is raging arousal I suggest you see a doctor).

Look, we get it, women get to wear clothing that draws attention to their secondary sex characteristics and you feel left out. I’m sorry you weren’t born a peacock and you have to display your virility more subtly. You just have to face facts, most people are not impressed by your penis print mashed into your leg, they’ll gawk but they won’t be impressed.

Find a different type of undies. Tuck your junk. Wear it all out in front like cleavage. All of these are reasonable solutions but it’s probably better just to buy a bigger pair of pants.

Gaping buttons 

I used to think this was an issue for the better endowed ladies of the world but lately I’ve witnessed men suffering from the gap as well. It’s a tragedy.

Ladies, clothing manufacturers will continue to use a B cup as their guide, so invest in safety pins, double sided tape, and Velcro strips. You’re other options are tailoring, buy a big shirt and have it taken in at the waist, or specialty shops (yes, I am enough of a bitch to not link to the one place where I can buy button downs because my size is already always out of stock). I’m sure that you don’t have the money to do either of these things so just let the top button go. Your employer will probably be disappointed in your extra exposure but your sales will probably increase. Good luck.

Dudes, if your chest is so big that you can’t button your extra small shirt over it, buy a bigger shirt. If you are buying your correct size but still have a gaping cleavage hole maybe stop buying the slim fit and tapered styles, obviously the measurements aren’t working for you. If you want to just skip the top buttons like I advised the ladies, go for it, just be sure that you aren’t also trying to rock a tie.

Everyone, if your buttons won’t button over your belly, buy a larger shirt. Again, if you can’t comfortably fit your gut in the garment get a new, larger one.

Down fly

You need to pay more attention when you leave the bathroom. It’s so easy to check your zipper in the mirror as you wash your hands but it is so often forgotten about.

I get it, something disrupted your routine, maybe Becky won’t shut up while you are trying to empty your bladder or maybe your boss was wanking in the stall behind you while you were answering natures call. It’s upsetting, but everyone is going to talk about you behind your back if you can’t remember to keep your fly zipped.

Repeat offenders, please know, we know you are doing it on purpose.

Camel Toe

This is why you wear underwear under your yoga pants. I know that there is an entire section of the internet devoted to pics of vaginal wedgies but, for the love of Pete, don’t let your picture end up in that mess. The fix is simple put some big cotton panties on (it’s healthier anyways) or buy looser pants.

If, and bless you if this is the case, you rock camel toe to appease your partner and prevent them from wandering to that part of the internet, go ahead, wedge that nonsense up there nice and tight, but please do so in the comfort of your own home.


The only thing to do is pick it. It’s unfortunate but true. I suggest you go to the bathroom to do this instead of shoving your entire hand up your bum and pulling out the yards of fabric your ass has eaten.

If you have an article of clothing that is a chronic offender, put it in the bag of stuff to send to Goodwill.

Flashed crotch

Did you know that the grocery store sushi counter has a fan in the front that keeps the cool air from escaping? I didn’t either, until the front hem of my dress hit my nose while I as grabbing some California Rolls.

 I’m sure the sushi chefs were super impressed with my underwear situation.

Briteny Spears and Lindsay Lohan are also no strangers to letting it all hang out (go team!) but if they have taught us anything it is that when your business is on display hold your head up really high and let people take pictures like nothing is out of the ordinary. Then go home and blush and cry, and maybe remember to wear panties next time you are rocking a dress.





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