Safety First: A Guide to Sex with Guns

Vagina: Latin, meaning sheath or scabbard, because well, you stick shit in it*. There are entire industries comprised solely for the creating of things to shove into vaginas. We are talking billions of dollars spent annually on various insertive instruments. With all of these items considered alongside of all the penises, fingers, toes, and noses that adorn the bodies of humanity, there are endless possibilities for sexual satisfaction.

I am an advocate of safe sex (you would be too if you ever had to talk to a grown ass man about why he thinks he has syphilis). And while I’m not gung-ho about guns, do strongly believe that if you are going to have one/use one you should do it as safely as possible.

Safe sex and gun safety, sure but why bring them up at the same time? Well, I’ve met a few of you people who read this little blog of mine, and I am beginning to understand where you desperately need guidance. And since you people are fucking guns, I think you should be doing it in a manner in which as few people are harmed as possible. A few ideas on how to achieve are below.

  • Use protection– you can go ahead and check this off if you are going at it with a gun that’s never been hunting
  • Use prophylactics– this is sex, use a condom. Also, you don’t want to goop up the barrel of the gun, I feel like that could be a problem next time you’re standing your ground.
  • Use common sense-vaginally inserted guns need to be removed at least as often as a tampon (which is about every 4-6 hours for the uninitiated). Look I get it you can’t take a man to prison so you think you’ll take the next best thing, but ladies, please remember that you will not have time to change your vagina gun during intake.
  • Use blanks– I know that there is a lot of taboo around shooting blanks in a sexual context but if decide that you just can’t bang an unloaded go with blanks. You’re fucked if the trigger is engaged but at least with blanks the injuries are localized.



*Shit as in stuff, not shit as in shit. This is probably why ladies aren’t supposed to say bad words.

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