A Visiting the Doctor: A Guide to Healthy Junk

This post is dedicated to Jay, who absolutely loves when I write about things he cannot relate to or doesn’t understand.

This year, the year I turn 30 and become a grown up for good, I got real life health insurance and decided to take the reigns on my physical wellness. This has somehow turned into frequent visits to the OB/Gyn, the least fun doctor unless your a speculum fetishist, which oddly enough I am not…

But weird sex things aside, there are a few ways to prepare for these visits to make them more pleasant for all involved. A few pre-gyno tips can be found below.


You won’t clean up for a Tinder date, I get that, who would? But this is more important than meeting the man of your dreams, this is a visit to a vag expert. 

They see junk all day and everyday, and yours only makes an appearance once a year (unless you let someone put a baby in you, but that’s a whole other thing), that once a year visit needs to make a lasting impression.  So pay a little extra for the fancy salon job. If they bleach bums where you get your wax, give that a go too.


We all put weird stuff in our fun places, I’m not here to judge the gift box of 7+ inch dildos you have in the closet, but a gentle reminder on cleanliness may be in order. 

Clean your toys.

Clean your hoo-ha.

Clean it all up. Make your business sparkling fresh.


It’s possible you never have sex, like ever, for whatever reason. Again, not here to pass judgment, but even if you are celibate you need to justify this annual pilgrimage to the stirrups with a roll in the hay. If nothing it gives you an excuse to get tested for STIs, which is what they are calling STDs and VD now.

Knocking boots is also a good warm up for the medical poking you’ll endure, remember the vagina is a muscle and if you don’t use it you lose it. 

Don’t lose your cookie jar because you were too lazy to fill it.

Reward yourself 

After the exam with you’re thoroughly greased up with industrial strength lube find someone to play in it. It’s not everyday that you have free lubricantion* so take full advantage! 

*If this is true for you discuss it with your doctor.

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