Family Friendly Holiday Conversation Starters for Every Uncle is a Drunk Uncle

Politics have always been a touchy subject when large groups gather, your family at Christmas is no different. You are either trying to mediate your aunts Marge and Martha as dredge up shit from high school to use as ammo as to why the one or the other is super fucking wrong for not donating to the GoFundMe set up for the wall* or everyone agrees but yells anyway because yelling is the nature of politics and large dinners.

This year with wages stagnant and the stock market tanking, you may want to avoid money talk as well. I know when your sister-in-law complains she can’t feed her kids on the measly food stamps she gets while running a few successful, under the table businesses it will be hard. But if you treat her the same way you treat Sallie Mae when she calls there will be peace in all the land.

It can be tough navigating all of the barbs the crop up during dinner, there will always be a jab at your hair or weight, or your ice cave womb, and it’s tough not to fall into the traps by those people just trying to make sure you’re happy, etc. I’m here to help. If conversation is veering somewhere unsettling pick a topic from below and head back to solid ground.

New skincare rituals

Self care has been a thing for a few years now and with people on the Instagram and the Buzzfeed trying all of the new products, you and your cousins will have plenty to educate the older folks about. I do recommend keeping your Korean beauty routine on the DL though, the stuff might be made of stardust and moonbeams but grandma is still sensitive about grandpa’s war bride…

The evolution of language

Back in the day when your aunt was a debutant ladies didn’t say things that could be considered colorful. The only time the tante crossed her lips was in reference to poisoned food. But look at you now! A well (ish) bred woman, with a successful career and you get to say fuck as frequently as you please. Your aunt’s ass will be chapped at this news but it’s about damn time she learned to deal.

Closets

It may surprise some people to know that, despite my inability to take my recycling out, I am organized enough to color coordinate my closet. I started this well into adulthood, when my mom’s sisters started to try and trap me in closets when I was least expecting it. Despite the pressure to go into the closet so that I could one day come out and they could prove that they’re not raging homophobes, I am still straight, which leads me to my last topic…

Social clubs

Uncle Joe has the country club, and Cousin Billy goes to nightclubs, but surely you are all part of a club you once thought was exclusive. You can ask grandma when she joined, and Aunt Joy how often she frequents. I like to go as often as possible, and I’m sure your family would agree, if you haven’t been to Pen15 since last Wednesday evening, you need to plan a trip ASAP!

Happy Christmas!

*I won’t link to it because I’m thinking of setting up my own. I’m currently looking into the legal ramifications of raising $1 billion for something and then maybe not using the money in the way that I originally intended.

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