I’ve manage to somehow surround myself with old people and 18-year-olds. I have a certain disdain for 18-year-olds so I tend to socialize with the older set. Old people need love too, and as I see it, they need to get laid worse than any other subset.

We all know that the majority of your peers are married, this may make your goal of regular (in regards to frequency), consensual with a desirable single person difficult. You may have to adjust expectations.

Old people of the world let me help you get yours.

Give up on monogamy

Swallow your disgust. Being someone’s kept woman (man?) could workout well in your favor, think of the money you’ll save on your cell phone bill!

But seriously, if there is one person willing to take you for a spin, there are three or four more waiting round the corner. Why waste your time getting to know one person who sends awkward emojis instead of actual texts, then falls off the face of the planet for long periods of time when you could be doing this with a bunch of different people. Eventually you might like one of them enough to give up the others.

Doesn’t help you with the married-person-out-getting-strange problem, you will probably get with one or two (or nine) of these people. They will lie to you, beg you to stay when you find out. Don’t stay, you don’t need the drama. Also, if you feel the need to hire a PI to figure out if they are married or lying about something, move the fuck on.

Go for the young ones

If you really want to meet someone you need to look at people 20-ish years younger than you. You think that’s gross? It’s only gross if you make it gross. Sure, meeting their parents will be tense if it gets serious, but you are old, who knows if you’ll live long enough to get serious with your youthful lover. The only downside to this scenario is that if you go back to your peers for sex you will be sorely disappointed (so I’ve heard), so consider this option carefully.

You can find these people on Tinder. You can also find your friend’s spouses and a few business acquaintances, so you know, options.

Use enhancement

I don’t know how I would feel about getting into a bathtub in the woods, especially if it’s next to another bathtub, but I’m young. You need to get into that damn tub and go for it. I’ve also had a bartender, old enough to know, tell me that the little blue pill is good for driving with no hands. If that’s true, maybe take that for a ride.

I’ve heard Barbara Walters prefers Astroglide. And you know she’s still getting it.

Move to a home

Old folks homes and active senior living communities are crawling with other demented, horny old people reliving their youths. You will find plenty to do (wink) between water aerobics and shuffle board, so get out and socialize. Just be sure to let your married friends know that you do it out of fear of falling while home alone, you don’t want them coming in and creating competition (especially if they are swingers).

Please remember to use condoms. You might not have to worry about unwanted pregnancies but nobody wants your trichinosis, syphilis, herpes, or any combination of any number of STIs.

Also, take your blood pressure meds, no one needs you stroking out mid-coitus.