Yes, collections calls are the answer, but I’m not in the mood to discuss that today (Sallie, if you want me to talk to you leave me a message).

No, today we are going to talk about when it is okay to ignore a potential suitors wedding ring…

The short answer is never but you read a blog for life advice so I know that you aren’t going to accept that at face value. 

If you must, and I know plenty of people must, you need to set a few rules for yourself so that you don’t end up so branded with a scarlet letter that changing your identity won’t save you from your reputation. The topic has come up a lot lately, I will not take credit for all the ideas, but I’m also not silly enough to give credit where credit is due. Below you will find a series of questions to help you be a smarter homewrecker. 

Are you drunk?

If you are walk away. I know drunk you likes shiny objects and wedding bands tend to fit into that category.

Hook up with someone who won’t fall so desperately for you and your super sloppy sex skills that they spend hours waiting for you to come home from your life so they can watch you through your windows. Tourists might suit your needs. Or that guy who you went to high school with, so what if he was a 22 year old sophomore?

Are they drunk?

If yes, get a few free drinks out of it. Flirt a bit, make this uninhabited human feel special for the evening, but only special enough that they can tell all their friends about how they could have gotten with you. 

Be aware that they may also seek you out for future encounters, hopefully while sober, so work on what that scenario would look like for you.

Do they think you’re special?

I mean if you’re it for them, the one, perfect in all your mess to them, then who am I to deny either of you that fleeting chance of happiness? But if you’re just there to scratch an itch because the babysitter, who is that one true and perfect love, went off to college (I know how this works, I’ve seen it on the Internet), avoid it. 

Babysitters are a dime a dozen, hence the Internet, and you are more special than that! You are like $0.50 a dozen at the very least.

Are they special?

If this is the best you’d ever do, if this person is like your perfect star sign match (apparently, I’m in need of an Aries, feel free to contact me if you fit that discription) then again, go for it. 

But don’t just jump at any opportunity. If you can do better, do better. I’m fairly certain you haven’t exhausted every option available to you, fairly. And I used to work with some uggos who gave me hope that everyone can do better… They also spent three months thinking my name was Jennifer because I wore Jennifer’s lab coat while she was on maturity leave so anything they caught ahold of would have fallen under better, so they may be a bad example, but still. 

When did you last get laid?

If this is your longest ever dry spell I’m sorry. It’s tough, if I ever had to suffer that again I’d wish for death, but wishing for and actual dying are two completely different things. 

If this married human who York are coveting hasn’t been laid in at least 2(7.8x+5.6)-.5x times longer than you, you may be good to go. Just be sure to show your work on that one in case it ever comes into question. 

Is their spouse terminally ill?

You’ve seen How to Get Away with Murder? Well, I’ve seen some of it and I was inspired by that relationship between the people whose names I can’t recall, because I bad at TV. The only reason that went sour was the lying and the murdering and the framing. 

But more to the point is Prudence’s counsel for Part-time partner, not everyone will agree with Mallory Ortberg, but the bitch is Prudence, and Prudence knows what’s up. 

Just be sure, grow some thick skin, and a sense of humor.

Is their relationship open?

Be wary of this coming from the interested party. I don’t operate under the assumption that everyone is a big fat liar, I’m not naive enough to think that the prospect of sex won’t blur the lines of fact and fiction a little.

As I understand it, an open relationship is an agreement between partners, if one is bringing you in on the side the other would know something about it, probably. Don’t be blindsided by being someone’s dirty little secret.

Can you live with it?

By ignoring an existing relationship you are setting yourself up to come in second, to be left hanging, have plans broken, and potentially be embarrassed. If it’s worth the risk to you, go get yours. You owe it to yourself to be able to look in the mirror.

Can they live with it? 

If they are whining at you to send nudes (send nudes!) and whimpering about they’re primary relationship being on the rocks, do not go there. Best case scenario, they break off the other relationship for you, worst case you are the scapegoat if their significant other calls it quits.

You don’t need to be a substitute for cojones. If you are going to be nutting up for a fight it better be because it’s a fight you want to win.